Deadbeat Dads

I probably shouldn’t, in fact I know I shouldn’t…it’s too controversial and it’s a tough subject all around….but like that has ever stopped me before..yep I’m going to anyway. I have to get this off my heart….

What is a Deadbeat Dad?
According to Wikipedia a Deadbeat Dad (or parent I should say) is defined as ‘an unrestricted parent treated equally who voluntarily chooses not to be a regular or supportive parent in his or her child or children’s life or lives.’ That definition in itself makes it easy enough to want to point a finger…I’m sure right now you’re thinking of the deadbeat parents that you know. I know because I do it every single time I hear the term. My mind shoots straight to every man I’ve ever known that has left their children/child emotionally, financially and physically; particularly Peanut’s “father”. A lot of these Deadbeat Dads have adopted nicknames like “sperm doner” and “walkaway Joe”, not to mention many colorful curse words that I’d rather not mention here. In my particular case he is simply known as “The Jerk”. The term “Deadbeat Dad” itself, however, is believed to have originated from the Child Support Agencies (not kidding look it up) . This term was used to label those who neglected to pay their child support for whatever reason and as a result became in arrears. But to me, a deadbeat dad goes way beyond missing child support payments.

Right when Peanut’s father left I said to myself, he doesn’t need him. All he needs is me – I can be both parents for him – he is better off without him – all the things that I needed to hear to justify the tragedy that had just taken place, that my son’s father had abandoned him and one day it would be up to me to explain why. All the while in the back of my mind I thought…what in the world do I do now? As a parent you want to shower your child with love, patience, knowledge, happiness and encouragement. I want to laugh with him when he’s laughing, hold him when he cries, stand beside him clapping when he accomplishes something spectacular but also be there to encourage him when he makes mistakes.. I want to do all of the things that make a parent – a parent. So here I sat wondering…what do I possess that The Jerk is missing? What component in his brain or heart does he lack to where he could just leave his child? Is it really possible that he just doesn’t care? The idea is shocking, appalling, disgusting..but so very true for a growing population of “fathers” in the US. In fact according to the U.S. Consensus Bureau in 2007 22.6% of US children were living in a Single Mother household. (KEEP IN MIND I did not say that all of them had a Deadbeat Dad – honestly I couldn’t find statistics for that with the U.S. Consensus Bureau, but I’m still looking). Almost a quarter of all children in the US are missing a father in the home – now that’s just sad.

So what is it?
What are these men lacking that makes it OK for them to just create children and walk away? Is it just pure selfishness? Just an unrelenting desire to put themselves first even before their own flesh and blood? And why is that the feeling or missing component is generalized in the only the male parent in most cases? In my case this question was easily answered, yes, it was selfishness. He didn’t want to ‘waste‘ the time or money it took to care for a child. As for me, it was never a choice. I gave birth to my child, I gave him life; from that moment it was never a question of if I was going to care for him, it was only how? Yet for so many women, so many children that answer isn’t as easily answered. Perhaps it’s fear, the responsibility of caring for a child in all aspects is at times overwhelming. Not only is it a dominating factor in terms of time and energy but a major sacrifice when it comes to sleep, finances, and all around social life. The first thing you realize when becoming a parent is that this tiny little person has to come first, no matter what. Parenthood is a tremendous sacrifice. Whatever the reason for these Deadbeat Dads and Walk Away Joes is…what it comes down to is not the child support going unpaid, it’s not the boasting rights of who won the custody battle or whose fault it was that the marriage or relationship ended. It all comes down to the fact that the children left in the wake of this stress and turmoil are being damaged, in some cases beyond repair.

I’d like to say my son is better off without his father, but to say that is a contradiction in itself. In all reality, his father – his real biological father – really is a selfish, manipulative, spiteful abusive man that would only corrupt my sons life with his meanness and hatred. But that connection, that father son moment is something I can never replaced. Perhaps someday I’ll get married and that man will love Peanut and provide for him emotionally, financially and physically in all the ways that my son needs from a male role model. But..because of The Jerk and the things that he has done, my son will never be able to stand up at the front of his class and say “This is my Daddy, when I grow up I want to be just like him.” and I can never forgive him for that.

End thought: Thoughts from a Single Mother, “I know that while Daddy is a word he will inevitably learn someday..I know that it’s now up to me to define it.” -Anonymous