My J is my rock. He’s strength when I don’t have the energy to be strong, when I’ve given all I have to give he stands to provide all he’s got. When I’m mean and hateful he replies with a hug and a smile. When I push he pulls me closer. When I want to scream he whispers …and then….. he buys me flowers.
There are times when I’m just down right mean. When I’ve had the kind of day where you can’t even muster a smile and then I take it all out on him. I rant and I rave, I’m short with him and ignore his loving gestures. All because I panic…he’s too nice I think to myself, nice doesn’t last, nice never lasts. I get angry and violent and push him as far as I think he will go….and then…he buys me flowers.
I want to cry, I want to scream and be angry because I’m scared to let him love me. To let him have the parts of me that I hate. It’s easy to give away the good parts, but giving someone the ability to see you – through and through – good, bad and ugly…it takes guts – a self confidence that I lack. So as a test I give him a taste, a tiny taste, letting him see the crazy side, uncovering the scars – opening up the chaos I’ve kept hidden thus far bracing myself for the moment I fear will follow – him washing his hands of all that is me…and then when I’m sure he’s ready to leave…he buys me flowers.
All this time, all of these emotional storms he’s weathered with love and compassion, devotion and understanding, patience and unyielding strength and what do I do? Don’t buy me flowers, I say. I know he can only take so much – maybe that’s why I push..because I’m so used to being mistreated, hated and abused that I don’t know how to deal with nice. So there he stands confusion and hurt written all over his face…Don’t buy me flowers, I say…because I’m crazy I guess. Because I don’t deserve them and I know I don’t, I don’t deserve him and I’m scared that he’ll go. Don’t buy me flowers I say, because I secretly feel guilty every time they deliver a beautiful bouquet that I don’t deserve. Don’t buy me flowers don’t treat me nice because I don’t deserve you I say…and then….he buys me flowers…. because he loves me.
Because he won’t leave me, because no matter how hard I push he’ll just pull me closer out of love. No matter how many scars he sees, he’ll still hold my hand out of love. No matter what I throw at him…he buys me flowers out of love.
End thought: “Flowers are Love’s truest language…” -Park Benjamin
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