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Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

This post will be random bits of decisions and thoughts I’ve made/had over the past few days….

1. I’m not flying anymore.  Is it just me or have there been a whole bunch of unexplained plane crashes?  I mean 2 DIFFERENT pilots die in midflight and have to be piloted by a passenger, Air France lost over 600 innocent passengers in its unexplained crash and today I login to my Yahoo to see a headline that reads 5-year-old survives jet crash. Yeah  – I think I’ll drive. OH and if I have to leave the country for a reason I’d rather not mention here then I’ll just take a boat.  Besides, I’m thinking that the FBI would check planes first anyway – it’s the obvious means of escape from the US. Just saying…

Meds Pictures, Images and Photos2. I think my anti-depressants are now unnecessary.  I haven’t take them in close to a week now and haven’t really noticed a difference. So either my Doc was giving me a placebo as some weird clinical trial he didn’t tell me about or they weren’t really making much of a difference other than making me a touch-me-not around my J (it’s a known fact that anti-depressants decrease sex drive).  So I’m thinking that if that’s the case I’d totally rather be crazy and want to have sex than the alternative. Yep, I’m off the meds – or well the ones for depression anyway.

3. My job sucks.  My “boss” told me that my evaluation is going to be on Wednesday.  Then he told me to turn in a self review by EOB today (Tuesday). I’m pretty sure that he plans to use my self-review as my evaluation so he doesn’t have to use what little brain he has to think of something to write down.  I am thinking this is probably because he does nothing (i.e. manage me) and has no idea what I do on a daily basis and in actuality probably doesn’t really care. I mean I could be making Anthrax over here and he would have no idea. I’m not though…so don’t be dialing up Homeland Security or anything cause that was totally just a joke.

*sigh* So as usual I have to do everything around here – including my own employee evaluation.  On the bright side I can write a kick ass review of myself and he probably won’t even read it before he turns it in.  I thought maybe under Areas of Achievement I could write : Maintains workload with above standard efficiency as well as handling all of bosses work without the benefits or recognition. Although on the off chance he does bother to read it first I would probably get fired.  Damn…

4. I’m going to marry J. I mean eventually I’m going to marry him.  Yesterday I came home and he had watered the My J at chilisflowers I have by my steps that I let die (which he put in for me), unstopped the shower in the master bathroom (I think I’m going bald), knocked down the wasps nests on my porch (I’m allergic to wasps) AND had installed a new super nice faucet in the kitchen WITH the little sprayer (because I kept complaining about my sprayer being leaky)! Sorry ladies he’s taken.  I mean that’s not the only reason but I won’t bore you with all the mushy love stuff because I could so go on for days…so bottom line he’s my future husband. I mean I hope, it’s kind of up to him.  But if he doesn’t ask in the next year I’m going to take a page from my Mom’s playbook and drop down to one knee with a baseball (I mean cause guys don’t wear engagement rings and he likes baseball).

5. I’m not eating pretzels anymore. That’s it.

End thought: Note to self: PROOF READ – that’s all that needs to be said here.

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Seriously?

The Jerk visited for Father’s day weekend, Saturday while I was bound for Alabama taking home the little Sis, he came. My mom was there with my Peanut – at my house where visitation is supposed to take place – and oversaw the visitation. She said it went well, that he was nice, that he cried when Peanut said “dada”…Whatever was my reply. I don’t have sympathy for him, why should I? Just because he’s realized he’s a jerk and now a year later decides he wants to be a part of the Peanut’s life (for now anyway) I am supposed to cater to his sudden case of conscious??

I don’t think so.

I figured – ok – it’s not the first time he’s done a 180 and it undoubtedly won’t be the last. My walls are standing strong and my new I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude is firmly intact. I’m cold and callous – he can’t get to me. He used to be able to break down my walls only because they were paper thin out of sheer anxiety and fear of retaliation if I didn’t relent; but now I’m not afraid anymore. Now I have love and support from my family and my J.

So as usual, just in time for my new attitude of insensitivity – I get a random text.

“Just wanted you to know I’m in jail.”

It’s the Jerk. I stared at it blankly – if this were any other time I would have balled my eyes out feeling guilty. Oh no, not this time.

“Well it wasn’t me”

I replied – knowing I hadn’t received a letter saying that we had court. It was his other disgruntled baby momma – with which he has 2 children (ages 3 and 6) that he visits on a regular basis – that jailed him this time. This would be the SAME baby momma that called my cell phone as I’m sporting a ring on my left hand and a newly developing fetus courtesy of The Jerk several months into our relationship (aka HELL ON EARTH), to inform me that I’ve been living with her husband and that she is JUST NOW filing for divorce. UM, EXCUSE ME???? Yeah that’s a totally different story though so I’ll delve more into that later.

Moving on….The Jerk replies:

I know, just wanted you to know I was in here.”

Why? As if I am supposed to care? Well I don’t care – I don’t care that he’s in jail, I don’t care if he gets out, I don’t care if gets butt humped by his cellmate in his sleep I. DON’T. CARE.  I can’t care. I just flat out can’t. I don’t have the ability anymore.

Thus I’m writing this as an epiphany because I’ve decided to take the advice of the strong women I’ve on PNN and Twitter and let it go. It’s such an uplifting feeling, I feel freed of chains I’ve carried since I met the Jerk that regretted summer day 2 years ago. So in the midst of my F***-THAT-JERK-I- FEEL-AWESOME high I get this text:

“I still love you.”

* * * * * * * * * * *<—-that is silence – stunned, paralyzed, unrelenting silence. You have got to be kidding me. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?

Honestly, it pissed me off for a second. HOW DARE YOU EVEN TRY THAT SHIT WITH ME YOU SORRY WASTE OF OXYGEN!!! But then I took the advice of my girls and took a deep breath and then I laughed until I cried. I laughed the longest jovial laugh I had within my body and then I laughed some more. I didn’t even bother to reply to the incompetent fool.

I don’t care and I certainly DO NOT love him, hell I don’t even like him and it takes all the effort I have to tolerate him. I never did really love him now that I think about it I mean I THOUGHT I loved the guy he pretended to be. That fabrication that he created without an ounce of remorse. The real him is a complete stranger to me.  Therefore I just don’t care, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I realized today that it’s over – that jackass doesn’t have a hold on me even though I have a son that shares in some of his genetics that doesn’t give him the right to make my life miserable forever and I control how he affects me. I have a great life now;  me, the Peanut, My J and little B – we are happy and no one can touch that. Especially not the Jerk.
End thought: “Through weakness I found friends, but it is through friends that I found strength.” -Me

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….and I was so ready to finish it on my break and then my “boss” walks in to micromanage me like I have nothing better to do than listen to him ramble. Meanwhile I’m actually working and he is sending me links  to video clips off of TMZ that he thinks are funny over IM…right because that is totally what he is paid to do. WTFE…

Also, I don’t know why this weird woman is twitterstalking me but it’s incredibly annoying. I’m not following her but she is following me obviously and keeps sending me smart a** replies about my “behavior”…for instance in reply to my angry posts she copies my bio and sends it to me. And since she is twitter stalking me she will probably read this so – thank you , I guess, I mean wtf is that about?  I mean not that your input was needed strange lady but if you don’t like seeing what I have to say STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!!

Or in all fairness she could be a bot and auto-posts random shit just to piss me off…either way it’s creepy at best.  STOP FOLLOWING ME BOT!!!

Meanwhile my little sister calls me because she had an argument with my mom about MCDONALDS and the price of a value meal in comparison to individually ordering the items from the $1 menu (seriously?) – I shit you not.

Then my Gma calls me to tell me that a police officer showed up at her house looking for someone in particular…peachy. There isn’t enough xanex in the world to supply the necessary does needed to deal with my family. Dear Britney Spears you totally stole the title to my autobiography [Circus] but I forgive you…cause I’m that type of person…you’re welcome.

End thought: “Family, you can’t live with them and no matter where you run they find you.” – Me

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My J is my rock.  He’s strength when I don’t have the energy to be strong, when I’ve given all I have to give he stands to provide all he’s got.  When I’m mean and hateful he replies with a hug and a smile.  When I push he pulls me closer.  When I want to scream he whispers and then….. he buys me flowers.

There are times when I’m just down right mean.  When I’ve had the kind of day where you can’t even muster a smile and then I take it all out on him.  I rant and I rave, I’m short with him and ignore his loving gestures. All because I panic…he’s too nice I think to myself,  nice doesn’t last, nice never lasts. I get angry and violent and push him as far as I think he will go….and then…he buys me flowers.

I want to cry, I want to scream and be angry because I’m scared to let him love me.  To let him have the parts of me that I hate.  It’s  easy to give away the good parts, but giving someone the ability to see you – through and through – good, bad and ugly…it takes guts – a self confidence that I lack.   So as a test I give him a taste, a tiny taste, letting him see the crazy side, uncovering the scars – opening up the chaos I’ve kept hidden thus far bracing myself for the moment I fear will follow – him washing his hands of all that is me…and then when I’m sure he’s ready to leave…he buys me flowers.

All this time, all of these emotional storms he’s weathered with love and compassion, devotion and understanding, patience and unyielding strength and what do I do? Don’t buy me flowers, I say.  I know he can only take so much – maybe that’s why I push..because I’m so used to being mistreated, hated and abused that I don’t know how to deal with nice. So there he stands confusion and hurt written all over his face…Don’t buy me flowers, I say…because I’m crazy I guess.  Because I don’t deserve them and I know I don’t, I don’t deserve him and I’m scared that he’ll go.  Don’t buy me flowers I say, because I secretly feel guilty every time they deliver a beautiful bouquet that I don’t deserve.  Don’t buy me flowers don’t treat me nice because I don’t deserve you I say…and then….he buys me flowers…. because he loves me.

Because he won’t leave me, because no matter how hard I push he’ll just pull me closer out of love.  No matter how many scars he sees, he’ll still hold my hand out of love.  No matter what I throw at him…he buys me flowers out of love.

End thought: “Flowers are Love’s truest language…” –Park Benjamin

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