Archive for the ‘daycare’ Category

There have been so many moments where I’ve flip flopped from one side of this to the other.  Those who read my blog see where I’ve been torn into pieces over what to do about The Jerk.  One minute I’d give my every breath to have a father for my son, not just any father, but his real father; to give him that father-son bond that cannot be duplicated because he deserves that – all children deserve to have a their mother and father.  Only it wouldn’t be his real father I would want, I would want the person that he pretended to be, in my son’s life. I would want the pretend him, the one who loved his children more than the moon and the sky, the man who doted on them and couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, the fabrication The Jerk so easy created until one day it disappeared into a disgusting and worthless pile of anger and abuse.  It is because of that day that there are times that I actually pray that God will make him leave for good; no more of this back and forth.  Just go away and let my Peanut live in peace.  I don’t know which is worse him being around or him leaving for good?

Ms. Cookie (Peanut’s teacher) handed me a little piece of construction paper today…on it a sail boat with Peanut’s hand print as the sail.  It read “I’d sail the seven seas for you Daddy. I love you! Happy Fathers Day” all I could was smile and utter a choked Thank you with tears in my eyes.  I thought to myself:

if only he would do the same for you son…..

She looked at me as if she knew, with eyes that said I’m sorry.  I kissed my Peanut and said goodbye, I waited till I reached my car to cry.  It was a quiet cry not the violent kind.  The kind of cry where you’ve given this moment all the energy that you can muster long before now and this is just a repeat of times past. The kind of cry where there are no sobs, no tightened muscles – no it was the kind of cry where every ounce of energy left me as I sat defeated in my car tears streaming down my face and off my chin saturating my shirt.   I’ve been here before, crying all alone not knowing what to wish now just hoping God will lead me in what is right for my son. God please, I prayed I don’t know what to do…just please help me be the best for him. I feel like my hands are tied….

Suddenly my phone rings….it’s The Jerk. I stared at my phone blankly…what could I do? If I ignore it he’ll just call back over and over again till I answer.  So I answer…he’s coming to visitation he says.  I’m emotionless. I wanted to scream in the phone I hate you for what you’ve done to my life, to my son’s life! instead I just said “Ok” and hung up the phone.  I wanted to be angry, to say he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve my Peanut’s love.  Then at the same time – I thought maybe I should be happy that he actually wants to see my son – his son technically.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

It’s bittersweet….

One one hand my son deserves to have his father – but on the other his father is worthless and can’t be the father he deserves.  He’ll come to visitation and play for a while, he’ll leave and probably not see him for another 6 months.  Will my Peanut know the difference?  In the back of mind I’ll be wishing he would leave, that he would say he’s moving to California or Australia and never coming back.  But that’s my selfishness speaking, or is it?  Could it just be that I feel the pain for my son, that I sympathize with the hurt and confusion that will come when he realizes his father is only around out of convenience? 

There is no right answer for this moment.  I know there won’t be some divine intervention where God gives me the answer that will solve everything, no only time can fix this.  I’ll just have to smile through the bittersweet moment and wish that I had given my son a better father, a father who would love and care for him, a father who would never hurt or abandon him.  I’ll own that moment, because it is mine.  I’ll take responsibility for the tears because it’s my fault that they fall; because I chose to be with him,  I chose to stay in the chaos,  I chose to live with the abuse.

It’s oh so bittersweet, because although I want to hate him and wish we’d never met, I thank God that I endured the things I did, because it brought me my son.  No matter what happens I will always be grateful to God for that.

End thought: “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”  ~Sophia Loren, 


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So I made it safely back from the beach…yay….and I come home to a BADASS virus that I assume I picked up from the beach…great.  My first thought (because I’m kinda maybe a little bit of a hypochondriac) is OMG it’s the fricken SWINE FLU!!! Damn Lysol – kills 99.9% of germs my tail!  Yeah so I’m going on and on in complete hysteria sitting in the doctor’s office waiting room – updating my will – and finally they call me back.   Anyway, so there’s this nurse and she’s old, and very obviously not satisfied with the particular profession that she chose and she’s taking my temp, blood pressure, records my weight and all that fun stuff and she’s all like “So you wrote down flu-like symptoms…what makes you think you have the flu?” Seriously? Well lets see my throat is on FIRE, my ears are about to implode from all the pressure, my body aches EVERYWHERE and I mean, places I didn’t even know I had are aching, I’m coughing, I’m sneezing, I’m freezing like an Ethiopian in Antarctica one minute and the next I’m threatening to loose the shirt if someone doesn’t point a fan in my direction ASAP.  Hmm…did I mention that I feel like COMPLETE AND UTTER DOG POO??? YEAH so THAT is why I think I have the flu….Of course I didn’t say that, I just thought it…although it was one of those things that I thought about like an hour later and wished I could go back and say but then it wouldn’t make any sense and I would just look like a complete ass anyway…yeah, one of those times.  Instead I just said “Because I’m feeling flu like symptoms..” accompanied by that DUH look that I pasted all over my face obvious enough for a blind person to see.  And would you believe that woman sucked her teeth at me?!?! *GASP* So I retorted with “I’m sooo writing that on my follow up satisfaction survey.” crossed my arms and waited for the doctor.

I can’t be sure how long I was in that room, although on the survey I put like 30 minutes which in all actuality could have been true, but I wouldn’t know because I fell asleep.  And it was a DEEP SLEEP.  The OMG I just drooled on myself and I really hope the doctor doesn’t notice kind of sleep.  So when the door opened I sat up so quickly that I looked like a jack-in-the-box on crack…and for some reason that remains a mystery to me screeched “HI!” like I’d been doing something wrong. *sigh* Someone save me from myself….

So the doctor proceeds to present not one but TWO GIANT Q-tips…and I’m thinking…those better be for cleaning the sink cause those things are not coming near me.  Well they were not for cleaning the sink and I was way wrong about them not coming near me, no Giant Q-tip #1 was for my throat or should I say the bottom of my esophagus – which wasn’t so bad – however when Giant Q-tip #2 came around I start wondering …where else can a giant Q-tip like that go?? Turns out it’s the nose…if I’m lying I’m dying… they stuck a 7 inch Q-tip into my brain practically and LET IT SIT (yeah).  And I thought child birth was unbearable….I will have 3 kids before I will ever have another flu test.  I think I’d rather die from the flu than EVER do that again.  Also…I can’t be sure but I’m thinking I saw some brain matter on the end of that thing….and I’m really forgetful lately so it must have been the part where you remember stuff that they collected.  ANYWAY –

So I wait patiently for my test results while updating my myspace status to reflect my time of death from the brain dissection and that oh-so-chipper nurse pops back in…”It ain’t the flu” she squawked right before she waddled out of the room to leave space for the doctor to walk in with the diagnoses “ViraPhenyngitus”…. Like what? Yep, basically a really badass virus that he seems to think I picked up on my trip.  So let’s recap….I took off work, paid my $20 co-pay, got talked down to by a nurse twice my age and seemingly post-sex change (at least that is the drift I got from the amount of testosterone she was putting off with all that unnecessary aggression), had my brain and throat violated by giant Q-tips all to find out the very same fricken thing I knew when I walked in the door…that I felt like crap (although to be fair I was not actually dying of the swine flu)..but at least I updated my will…See? Again, there is a silver lining to every dark swine flu cloud.

So I pick up the Peanut from daycare to go home, and cover my mouth with my jacket sleeve (which is fleece and coincidentally acts as a great insultator) because it’s nap time and I want to be quiet as well as not spread my phyen-whatcha-call-it germs and I quietly say a muffled “I have viral phyengitius..” Which apparently sounds like Menengitis ” So we’ll be out for a few days” and I leave.  ALRIGHT, well turns out the director thought I said MENENGITIS which by the way is extremely deadly and contagious so they basically run through a complete biohazard drill in our absence and alert all parents that their children have possibly been exposed to Viral Menengitis…oops.  BUT in my defense… Menegitis is only detectable via a spinal tap…so it’s their own fault for thinking that ANY doctor with common sense who had just given me a spinal tap and diagnosed me with a semi-deadly virus would allow me to PICK UP MY ONE YEAR OLD SON rather than admitting me to the nearest hospital…idiots….anyway.

So two days in bed, Peanut stays with the Grands (my grandparents) and I’m feeling well enough to go back to work.  So we show up bright and early at daycare to be met with looks of SHEER TERROR! The director is FRREEAAKKKIINNGG out nearly pushing us out the door “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!?!” And I’m like omg…I’m not contagious anymore stop freaking out…but really I said “What do you mean? Christopher isn’t sick and I’m over the worst of it?” and she is just standing there all sideways looking with her eyes like 10 seconds from popping out of her head and she’s like “What?!” so I say “It’s not big deal, the doc says I’ll be over it by Friday…I doubt I’m even contagious right now…” and she’s all “Shouldn’t you be in a hospital? I mean Menengitis is deadly?” and I’m like “WHAT? I dont’ have menengitis I have phynengitis.” – which I think is probably like a harmless twice removed cousin of Menengitis….I mean…probably…

Yeah, so we’re now safely back in daycare, Peanut does not have to wear a bubble to daycare thank goodness and all is semi-well in my world again.  Moral of the story…vacations subject you to swine flu….

End thought: Perhaps doctors should consider NOT naming the harmless twice removed cousin virus the same thing as the deadly extrememly contagious spine virus…just a thought.

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After the partyAfter a week long all but brawl with daycare I feel as if I’ve made my point and I can be at peace. Monday Peanut moved to the toddler room. (Fine, I hate it, but yes babies do have to grow up after all *pouting*) So picture this…it’s MondayUGH -, I hosted a party for nearly 40 people to celebrate my son’s birthday over the weekend AT MY HOUSE (because I’m an idiot-please see picture to the left to see how that turned out),  I haven’t had my coffee yet – needless to say I’m cranky; and that is putting it nicely. I snuggle my precious little man all the way to the end of the hall, walk PAST the baby room with tears in my eyes and deliver him to the toddler room (where the teachers coincidentally look just as cranky as myself).

So I put him down and we’re doing the up down scene that you see in that “Where’s your mother?” commercial. His feet touch the floor he screams – I lift him up he’s fine…so after a little bit of this I finally convince a care giver to take the little munchkin and sit him down for breakfast to allow me to sneak out. Causally I ask when nap time is (with the intentions not to visit during those hours) and I am informed it’s from 11am to 2pm. I’m sorry? I may not be a mathematician but isn’t that 3 hours?? Yeah, like my kid is going to sleep for 3 hours straight..HA I think to myself, ‘good luck with that’ and I’m on my way. As I hit the door it dawns on me, ‘wait a minute, does that mean they have to stay on the mats for 3 hours?’ Surely not….OH but I was wrong! Yes, thank you to DSS for putting that regulation in place..nazi bastards. So yes after a week of crying and basic threats (relax…I just said I would remove him from the daycare), I feel I’ve made headway – but updates will be sure to follow in this matter.

Anywho, now on to the SWINE FLU pandemic!!!! AHHHhhhh! Thanks to a couple of college kids in Newberry SC, I find myself spraying my co-workers with Lysol as they pass my desk. My hope is that this activity will result in not only keeping a germ free environment in my “space” but possibly aid in convincing my superiors that I’m much more manageable in my own office rather than this space against the wall that I was given. See, there’s a silver lining to every dark swine flu cloud 🙂 Newberry is only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from the heartland where I rest my head (No that is not how all South Carolinian’s talk..just me) so my cause for concern is certainly not unfounded. Well not entirely anyway. It’s bad enough my child was introduced to ALL NEW CHILDREN this week, none of which have I met their parents by the way. Not to say I’m one of those moms but come now, don’t you like to know the types of family ideals your child is being exposed to every single day?? Ok perhaps it’s just me. In any case my trusty Lysol and clip on germX will remain in action until this passes.

It rained today. After over a week of sunny mid-80’s weather I opted to throw caution to the wind this casual Friday and adorn my new orange cotton, sleeveless, sun dress and matching orange stilettos – yes I was looking pretty hot if I do say so myself. WAS being the operative word in that sentence. So we are informed (via email) at 10am, while the clouds build up darker and darker outside, that we are having a surprise working lunch meeting! Alright fair enough, I can handle forfeiting my trip to good old Wally World till after work. BUT after further review of said email I discover it’s a cook out in a nearby park? Right, because that’s what we need to do – play ultimate Frisbee as a monsoon hangs in the distance*rolling eyes*. So we carpool to the locale and sure enough about 5 minutes into our working lunch meeting the bottom drops out and I’m left running (and I use that term very loosely beccause I can’t be sure what you would call it in stilettos) back to the vehicles only to find that they were locked and everyone else had taken refuge under a shelter I neglected to notice in the park….peachy. ‘Drowned rat’ doesn’t even BEGIN to describe what I looked like when I arrived back to the office; where I promptly discovered that when wet and subjected to florescent lighting my beautiful orange cotton sundress becomes see-through! YAY!!!

So at this point and time I’m just so glad it’s Friday I can’t help but twitter my afternoon away in hopes that a time-warp will seize my area of the globe and force the clock to 6pm.

Until next time…End thought: “If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.”

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