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Archive for the ‘Inspirational’ Category

Learning to Trust

Trust

I look to God for guidance some cleansing for my soul.praying girl Pictures, Images and Photos

The only One I know can bring me peace when I feel I’ve lost control.

I don’t have the means to make these changes, I scream to Him above.

I’m scared of all the things before me, afraid to live afraid to love!

Watching as all my friendships fade while I’m left standing in the dark.

Wondering if this is how it should be or did I miss the mark?

I know I have to leave things behind but should it be this hard?

Must I shed these layers so quickly, let caution go and drop my guard?

I’m confused by so many things, crying up to the heavens with no reply.

Am I doing this the right way Lord, why won’t You tell me why?

Day to day I struggle – caught in between two lives.

Trying to let the old me fade while making sure my faith survives.

I turn to the word of God but do not understand his plan.

When will I get direction Lord, I need the calm of your hand?

Exhaustion stretches over me, the questions lingers, should I give up?

Can I continue with this battle or have I had enough?

I don’t know how to fight this, its unfamiliar ground.

The world is pushing down upon me threatening to surround.

How can I defeat these feelings? I’m too weak to fight alone!

Is this your intention Lord, must I fight this on my own?

Like an echo in the silence I receive his word.

So quiet and steady it almost can’t be heard.

A single word is uttered, and follow I know I must.

The single word that is my guide, all He says is Trust.

cross Pictures, Images and Photos

Trust in Me in times of weakness, I will be your guide.

Trust in Me in moments of fear, there is no need to hide.

Trust in Me when you are angry, I will bring you peace.

Trust in Me when overwhelmed, sanctity is your release.

Trust in Me in all you do, lean not on your own mind.

Just trust in Me and you’ll find peace….

but first you must leave the world behind.

-A.G.H

07/07/09

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I felt surprised but all around blessed to be included in this event.  Recently my friend @singlemomma_cc graced me with the Honest Scrap Award (as described below) so it’s my turn to lay it all out there.  Since I did this already in my Who I Am page I’m challenging myself to write different things. So here goes….

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant.  The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant”

honest_award

Honestly:

1. I have this weird anxiety filled fear of dying during the winter. I have no idea why.

2. I have 7 tattoos and want more – my family hates tattoos lol

3. My favorite past-time is Saturday mornings watching cartoons in the bed with Peanut. *love*

4. I have an obsession with cheese puffs.

5. I blame my Mom for not teaching me how to be a parent, and I’m scared I’ll be like her.

6. Sometimes I struggle with the whole self-esteem thing.

7. I worry that I won’t be a good enough parent for my Peanut.

8. In high school I was in band and debate – I was a total nerd.

9. I write songs and sing them in the shower when no one is home. hehe

10. I secretly wish I could quit my job and do missions for my church.

Ok so that was it, I feel a little better now 🙂 In following suit I am passing on my Honest Scrap award to the lovely  bloggers I know that haven’t already completed it:

@Shoobop

@MomsToWork

@WorkingMoms

@mommy2jl

@Mshepard07

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My J is my rock.  He’s strength when I don’t have the energy to be strong, when I’ve given all I have to give he stands to provide all he’s got.  When I’m mean and hateful he replies with a hug and a smile.  When I push he pulls me closer.  When I want to scream he whispers and then….. he buys me flowers.

There are times when I’m just down right mean.  When I’ve had the kind of day where you can’t even muster a smile and then I take it all out on him.  I rant and I rave, I’m short with him and ignore his loving gestures. All because I panic…he’s too nice I think to myself,  nice doesn’t last, nice never lasts. I get angry and violent and push him as far as I think he will go….and then…he buys me flowers.

I want to cry, I want to scream and be angry because I’m scared to let him love me.  To let him have the parts of me that I hate.  It’s  easy to give away the good parts, but giving someone the ability to see you – through and through – good, bad and ugly…it takes guts – a self confidence that I lack.   So as a test I give him a taste, a tiny taste, letting him see the crazy side, uncovering the scars – opening up the chaos I’ve kept hidden thus far bracing myself for the moment I fear will follow – him washing his hands of all that is me…and then when I’m sure he’s ready to leave…he buys me flowers.

All this time, all of these emotional storms he’s weathered with love and compassion, devotion and understanding, patience and unyielding strength and what do I do? Don’t buy me flowers, I say.  I know he can only take so much – maybe that’s why I push..because I’m so used to being mistreated, hated and abused that I don’t know how to deal with nice. So there he stands confusion and hurt written all over his face…Don’t buy me flowers, I say…because I’m crazy I guess.  Because I don’t deserve them and I know I don’t, I don’t deserve him and I’m scared that he’ll go.  Don’t buy me flowers I say, because I secretly feel guilty every time they deliver a beautiful bouquet that I don’t deserve.  Don’t buy me flowers don’t treat me nice because I don’t deserve you I say…and then….he buys me flowers…. because he loves me.

Because he won’t leave me, because no matter how hard I push he’ll just pull me closer out of love.  No matter how many scars he sees, he’ll still hold my hand out of love.  No matter what I throw at him…he buys me flowers out of love.

End thought: “Flowers are Love’s truest language…” –Park Benjamin

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Ok so I’m a poet (yeah go ahead and laugh I know I should have been born in like the 18th century or something) anyway….a lot of times something will inspire me and the words just start flowing before I can stop them.  Something happened to me not to long ago and it’s worth sharing; it was a pivotal moment in my life when I realized not matter how bad I have it at the moment there is always always someone who would give anything to be in my place.  I hope this inspires others to think that same way.

Much to my surprise

Today I woke up late didn’t have time to shave my legs.
Lost one of my earrings and couldn’t get my son out of the bed.
I spilled my coffee in the car, didn’t get to work by nine.
Forgot to let the dog out, guess I’ll call the carpet cleaner one more time.
Couldn’t seem to keep it together although I really tried.
‘What an awful day’ I said as I sat down at my desk and cried.

Opened up my email to find my bank account was overdrawn.
Went to ask a friend for advice only to hear that she was gone.
Broke a nail on my desk drawer, just had them done last week.
Looked into my purse to find the cap on my makeup had a leak.
Angry at the world today throwing a pity party for me,
‘What an awful day’ I said how much worse can it be?!

So I took a drive at lunch today, just needed some fresh air.
Sitting in traffic on the exit there was a man standing there.
He held a little cardboard sign shame worn on his face.
Begging for any change to spare, in life he’d lost his place.
His hair was gray and matted he hadn’t shaved in days.
And staring at him standing there he humbly caught my gaze.
His clothes were worn and tattered not appropriate for the weather.
Those clothes, that sign and a small black bag were what he owned altogether.
I didn’t look away from him with those bright blue shiny eyes.
And from that moment I could tell they had seen much better times.

On his sign he wrote God Bless but I wasn’t sure he knew what it meant.
So I took my change and a cross from my neck and didn’t question God’s intent.
Stepping out from my car there he shamefully looked away.
I said, “It’s all I have with me but you’re welcome to it anyway.”
I dropped the change inside his palm as he managed a humble “Thank you ma’am.”
And before I could stop myself I put the cross into his hand.
So there we stood two opposites, his tattered sneakers aside my high heel shoes.
And as the notion struck me, although I wanted to, I couldn’t refuse.
I reached out and hugged him, much to his and my surprise.
I said “God loves all children” as a tear ran from his eyes.

I turned and got back into my car right as the light turned green.
And in my rear view mirror I smiled at what was probably an awkward scene.
I imagine all those people around me must have thought I was insane.
Reaching out to a stranger with seemingly nothing for me to gain.
But they couldn’t see what I had seen, I wondered if anyone ever could.
That I wasn’t really doing what I wanted, I was doing what I should.

Suddenly I felt so ashamed crying over such small things.
Today I hugged a homeless man and became painfully aware of my short comings.
How could I be so spoiled? God has blessed me with so much!
A home, a car, a great career, my church, my health and the love in my son’s touch.
I can shower every day, at night I have a pillow and a warm bed.
While he wipes his face with napkins from the garbage and under a bridge he lays his head.

And as I drove away today tears ran from my eyes.
As I realized it was really he who helped me, much to my surprise.

-AGH

3/23/09

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