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Archive for the ‘My J’ Category

Beach May 09 035I am a mother.  As fate would have it I have a 1 year old son from a man who is not a part of my sons life. I could be sad, and I have been. I could be angry but I’ve made peace with it. I could be judgmental and frustrated and overwhelmed…but instead I choose to feel blessed.

Before I was a mother there was so much I didn’t know about the world.  There were so many beautiful things that went unseen by my blinded eyes.  The moment that my son was born my life changed.  There are those who will say it’s not possible, those who will criticize me for having an occasional glass of wine because  ‘Mother’s shouldn’t drink’.  There are those who will chastise me for dating

4th of july 045because they don’t think I should have the time.  Surely there will be those who will say that my dreams of having a family in my future are absurd and I should be happy with where I am in life now.

None of that matters to me, because I am smart enough to have a sip of wine not a bottle of liquor. I have the intelligence to separate a one time thing from a genuine partner.  I feel confidant knowing that I dreamt of a family long before my son was born and will continue to seek that dream with caution for his sake.  Yes, there are always those who will criticize; but none can judge me, not truly judge me because that is only God’s place.

Here are some things I’ve learned as a mother:

*Friends will come and go like a summer storm, but your family is forever.pnut bday

*The sunrise is much more beautiful when you see it sober as you nurse your newborn.

*Having a child is not a right, it is a gift from God and should be treated accordingly.

*God never gives you more than you can handle, but be careful what you ask for.

*Rocking a sleepy baby till 2 in the morning beats dancing the night away at the best night club any day.

*Nothing lasts forever, including teething so patience is a must 🙂

*Bath time also doubles as a trip to the water park so bring your own towel.

*You can in fact survive on 3 hours of sleep and still function with a smile.

peanutbday*Spaghetti is a MUST when a toddler is learning how to eat because it’s just funny to watch them get MESSY

*TODDLERS WILL EAT CATERPILLARS if they find the opportunity no matter how fuzzy and yucky they look.

*A simple smile can warm your heart and take all pain away.

*Mommy’s arms always feel the safest and must be available at all times.

*It’s impossible not to laugh when you’re running late and about to walk out the door, only to find your toddler half naked and tangled in his Tshirt in his room.

Easter 2009 044*Brushing your teeth, sweeping the floor and doing laundry are always done better with help from your toddler.

*Being a single parent doesn’t mean you have to be alone.

*A mother always thinks about everything twice – once for herself and again for her child.

*Reading a story or dancing in the living room trumps housework.

*God never said being a mother would be easy, but he did say it would be worth it.

*Every stretch mark is like a war wound, they will forever tell the story of your greatest accomplishment so you should be proud.

*A ponytail and a track suit are a mother’s best friend on rainy days – high heels in the rain with a baby are not a good idea.

*When you go to bed realizing you didn’t turn the TV on all day – that is a good day.

I think what I’ve learned most of all is that nothing matters except my family.  My Son, my mother, my sisters, my father, my grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins are my life.  Welcoming my J and little B into that mix is just another momentous memory that I feel blessed and eager to add, but until that day – for right now I live for my son and for God.  To me, there is no greater purpose.

End Thought:  It’s not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself. ” ~Joyce Maynard

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This post will be random bits of decisions and thoughts I’ve made/had over the past few days….

1. I’m not flying anymore.  Is it just me or have there been a whole bunch of unexplained plane crashes?  I mean 2 DIFFERENT pilots die in midflight and have to be piloted by a passenger, Air France lost over 600 innocent passengers in its unexplained crash and today I login to my Yahoo to see a headline that reads 5-year-old survives jet crash. Yeah  – I think I’ll drive. OH and if I have to leave the country for a reason I’d rather not mention here then I’ll just take a boat.  Besides, I’m thinking that the FBI would check planes first anyway – it’s the obvious means of escape from the US. Just saying…

Meds Pictures, Images and Photos2. I think my anti-depressants are now unnecessary.  I haven’t take them in close to a week now and haven’t really noticed a difference. So either my Doc was giving me a placebo as some weird clinical trial he didn’t tell me about or they weren’t really making much of a difference other than making me a touch-me-not around my J (it’s a known fact that anti-depressants decrease sex drive).  So I’m thinking that if that’s the case I’d totally rather be crazy and want to have sex than the alternative. Yep, I’m off the meds – or well the ones for depression anyway.

3. My job sucks.  My “boss” told me that my evaluation is going to be on Wednesday.  Then he told me to turn in a self review by EOB today (Tuesday). I’m pretty sure that he plans to use my self-review as my evaluation so he doesn’t have to use what little brain he has to think of something to write down.  I am thinking this is probably because he does nothing (i.e. manage me) and has no idea what I do on a daily basis and in actuality probably doesn’t really care. I mean I could be making Anthrax over here and he would have no idea. I’m not though…so don’t be dialing up Homeland Security or anything cause that was totally just a joke.

*sigh* So as usual I have to do everything around here – including my own employee evaluation.  On the bright side I can write a kick ass review of myself and he probably won’t even read it before he turns it in.  I thought maybe under Areas of Achievement I could write : Maintains workload with above standard efficiency as well as handling all of bosses work without the benefits or recognition. Although on the off chance he does bother to read it first I would probably get fired.  Damn…

4. I’m going to marry J. I mean eventually I’m going to marry him.  Yesterday I came home and he had watered the My J at chilisflowers I have by my steps that I let die (which he put in for me), unstopped the shower in the master bathroom (I think I’m going bald), knocked down the wasps nests on my porch (I’m allergic to wasps) AND had installed a new super nice faucet in the kitchen WITH the little sprayer (because I kept complaining about my sprayer being leaky)! Sorry ladies he’s taken.  I mean that’s not the only reason but I won’t bore you with all the mushy love stuff because I could so go on for days…so bottom line he’s my future husband. I mean I hope, it’s kind of up to him.  But if he doesn’t ask in the next year I’m going to take a page from my Mom’s playbook and drop down to one knee with a baseball (I mean cause guys don’t wear engagement rings and he likes baseball).

5. I’m not eating pretzels anymore. That’s it.

End thought: Note to self: PROOF READ – that’s all that needs to be said here.

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Seriously?

The Jerk visited for Father’s day weekend, Saturday while I was bound for Alabama taking home the little Sis, he came. My mom was there with my Peanut – at my house where visitation is supposed to take place – and oversaw the visitation. She said it went well, that he was nice, that he cried when Peanut said “dada”…Whatever was my reply. I don’t have sympathy for him, why should I? Just because he’s realized he’s a jerk and now a year later decides he wants to be a part of the Peanut’s life (for now anyway) I am supposed to cater to his sudden case of conscious??

I don’t think so.

I figured – ok – it’s not the first time he’s done a 180 and it undoubtedly won’t be the last. My walls are standing strong and my new I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude is firmly intact. I’m cold and callous – he can’t get to me. He used to be able to break down my walls only because they were paper thin out of sheer anxiety and fear of retaliation if I didn’t relent; but now I’m not afraid anymore. Now I have love and support from my family and my J.

So as usual, just in time for my new attitude of insensitivity – I get a random text.

“Just wanted you to know I’m in jail.”

It’s the Jerk. I stared at it blankly – if this were any other time I would have balled my eyes out feeling guilty. Oh no, not this time.

“Well it wasn’t me”

I replied – knowing I hadn’t received a letter saying that we had court. It was his other disgruntled baby momma – with which he has 2 children (ages 3 and 6) that he visits on a regular basis – that jailed him this time. This would be the SAME baby momma that called my cell phone as I’m sporting a ring on my left hand and a newly developing fetus courtesy of The Jerk several months into our relationship (aka HELL ON EARTH), to inform me that I’ve been living with her husband and that she is JUST NOW filing for divorce. UM, EXCUSE ME???? Yeah that’s a totally different story though so I’ll delve more into that later.

Moving on….The Jerk replies:

I know, just wanted you to know I was in here.”

Why? As if I am supposed to care? Well I don’t care – I don’t care that he’s in jail, I don’t care if he gets out, I don’t care if gets butt humped by his cellmate in his sleep I. DON’T. CARE.  I can’t care. I just flat out can’t. I don’t have the ability anymore.

Thus I’m writing this as an epiphany because I’ve decided to take the advice of the strong women I’ve on PNN and Twitter and let it go. It’s such an uplifting feeling, I feel freed of chains I’ve carried since I met the Jerk that regretted summer day 2 years ago. So in the midst of my F***-THAT-JERK-I- FEEL-AWESOME high I get this text:

“I still love you.”

* * * * * * * * * * *<—-that is silence – stunned, paralyzed, unrelenting silence. You have got to be kidding me. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?

Honestly, it pissed me off for a second. HOW DARE YOU EVEN TRY THAT SHIT WITH ME YOU SORRY WASTE OF OXYGEN!!! But then I took the advice of my girls and took a deep breath and then I laughed until I cried. I laughed the longest jovial laugh I had within my body and then I laughed some more. I didn’t even bother to reply to the incompetent fool.

I don’t care and I certainly DO NOT love him, hell I don’t even like him and it takes all the effort I have to tolerate him. I never did really love him now that I think about it I mean I THOUGHT I loved the guy he pretended to be. That fabrication that he created without an ounce of remorse. The real him is a complete stranger to me.  Therefore I just don’t care, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I realized today that it’s over – that jackass doesn’t have a hold on me even though I have a son that shares in some of his genetics that doesn’t give him the right to make my life miserable forever and I control how he affects me. I have a great life now;  me, the Peanut, My J and little B – we are happy and no one can touch that. Especially not the Jerk.
End thought: “Through weakness I found friends, but it is through friends that I found strength.” -Me

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My J is my rock.  He’s strength when I don’t have the energy to be strong, when I’ve given all I have to give he stands to provide all he’s got.  When I’m mean and hateful he replies with a hug and a smile.  When I push he pulls me closer.  When I want to scream he whispers and then….. he buys me flowers.

There are times when I’m just down right mean.  When I’ve had the kind of day where you can’t even muster a smile and then I take it all out on him.  I rant and I rave, I’m short with him and ignore his loving gestures. All because I panic…he’s too nice I think to myself,  nice doesn’t last, nice never lasts. I get angry and violent and push him as far as I think he will go….and then…he buys me flowers.

I want to cry, I want to scream and be angry because I’m scared to let him love me.  To let him have the parts of me that I hate.  It’s  easy to give away the good parts, but giving someone the ability to see you – through and through – good, bad and ugly…it takes guts – a self confidence that I lack.   So as a test I give him a taste, a tiny taste, letting him see the crazy side, uncovering the scars – opening up the chaos I’ve kept hidden thus far bracing myself for the moment I fear will follow – him washing his hands of all that is me…and then when I’m sure he’s ready to leave…he buys me flowers.

All this time, all of these emotional storms he’s weathered with love and compassion, devotion and understanding, patience and unyielding strength and what do I do? Don’t buy me flowers, I say.  I know he can only take so much – maybe that’s why I push..because I’m so used to being mistreated, hated and abused that I don’t know how to deal with nice. So there he stands confusion and hurt written all over his face…Don’t buy me flowers, I say…because I’m crazy I guess.  Because I don’t deserve them and I know I don’t, I don’t deserve him and I’m scared that he’ll go.  Don’t buy me flowers I say, because I secretly feel guilty every time they deliver a beautiful bouquet that I don’t deserve.  Don’t buy me flowers don’t treat me nice because I don’t deserve you I say…and then….he buys me flowers…. because he loves me.

Because he won’t leave me, because no matter how hard I push he’ll just pull me closer out of love.  No matter how many scars he sees, he’ll still hold my hand out of love.  No matter what I throw at him…he buys me flowers out of love.

End thought: “Flowers are Love’s truest language…” –Park Benjamin

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pillsAfter 5 days of chaos and emotionally purging my feelings onto any living object…I’m happy to announce that the doc took my threats seriously pity on me and gave me a refill of my meds minus the office visit.  It could have been because I told him that I had been without them for that past few days and that my sister was getting married, that I was a bundle of emotional rage and that I received my monthly gift from mother f-ing nature all at the EXACT SAME TIME—– or he was just too afraid to let me into his office building after I called him at home – by mistake.  Yes, I did… but I blame the Yellow Pages or my lack attention to detail – in either case I’m sure he’s still probably checking all the windows of his home before he goes to sleep at night…whoops.

Deatils:  After having been without my meds for a few days thinking I could skate by on alcohol alone (that is just a joke, I don’t even drink anymore so put down the phone, no need to bring child services into this)….I looked him up.  No, I do not have his number saved into my phone because usually I just have my grandmother set me up an appointment because she is his housekeeper –incredibly small town ok –and has been for like a bagillion years.

ANYWAY – so I look up Dr. Mac in the good old 10 page phone book for C-town and just dial the first number I find under his name…at 6:58 in the morning….assuming I would get the office machine and I could just ball my eyes out to their voice mail and convince them I really need my meds like NOW.

Well I let the phone ring….and ring….AND RING…and on the 17th ring I’m thinking ok…wtf is up with their machine??  Then I hear a grumpy…Hello? – it’s Dr. Mac….Huh, wonder why he’s answering the phone and not his nurses or assistants or office admin or something.

Either way at that point I didn’t care about his lazy staff and I’m just like WHATEVER I NEED PILLS so I start going into this big spill about how I have been going through HELL and back and I haven’t had my meds in DAYS and that I’m desperate to get a refill before my sister gets married and abandons me for life and I’ve had to keep it all inside so I don’t upset my little Peanut who incidentally is probably the ONLY reason I’ve managed to stay sane and I’ve been a total B**** to my bf all week because I’m on my “cycle” and they shouldn’t call it a cycle they should call it LIVING DEATH because that’s what it feels like and then he so rudely interrupts my bleeding heart story to say…

“Well I’ll be happy to call you in a refill if you’ll call the office, Jenny should be able to take care of that when we open..” Silence….

Wait…what did he say?

Then it hits me….Oh – my – freaking – gracious….I called him at home….before 7am…..

So I say… “I’m sorry…I thought this was the office….” really nonchalant like because that is the only thing I COULD say at this point as I prepared myself for the restraining order I’m sure he was about to file against me. …he of course was all polite and as tactful as one can be at 7am after having a crazy patient call you at home for an anti-anxiety medication refill. And I of course called the office number that he gave me once they opened. Again…someone please save me from myself…oh that’s right..I already have someone doing that….and his name is J.me&j

I have to go ahead and say this…I am the luckiest crazy person in the world these days.  NOT only did my bf survive my hysteric mania for a whooping 7 days – through my sisters chaotic wedding, my Jekyll and Hyde persona, AND having to basically be the Peanut’s keeper during the wedding and all…but the man brought me flowers….which was the sweetest thing ever although in hindsight, it was probably as a peace offering to say ‘I love you, please don’t kill me in my sleep’ *smile* .  And not just any kind of flowers but a dozen long stemmed roses….like seriously OMG…I have the greatest bf in the world!!

He also bought me a trash can but that’s a long story that I won’t go into right now, because I’m going to tell you it’s romantic and sweet that he got me the trash can too but you’re going to go “What? She thinks a trash can is romantic? She really is crazy” and then I would have to explain why, but I’m not going to because this post is already too long and I just created the longest run on sentence EVER.  So I digress with this…

End thought: Boyfriends who bring you roses are sweet, but boyfriends who bring you outdoor garbage cans are husband material. I love you J.

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