Archive for the ‘Officespace’ Category

This post will be random bits of decisions and thoughts I’ve made/had over the past few days….

1. I’m not flying anymore.  Is it just me or have there been a whole bunch of unexplained plane crashes?  I mean 2 DIFFERENT pilots die in midflight and have to be piloted by a passenger, Air France lost over 600 innocent passengers in its unexplained crash and today I login to my Yahoo to see a headline that reads 5-year-old survives jet crash. Yeah  – I think I’ll drive. OH and if I have to leave the country for a reason I’d rather not mention here then I’ll just take a boat.  Besides, I’m thinking that the FBI would check planes first anyway – it’s the obvious means of escape from the US. Just saying…

Meds Pictures, Images and Photos2. I think my anti-depressants are now unnecessary.  I haven’t take them in close to a week now and haven’t really noticed a difference. So either my Doc was giving me a placebo as some weird clinical trial he didn’t tell me about or they weren’t really making much of a difference other than making me a touch-me-not around my J (it’s a known fact that anti-depressants decrease sex drive).  So I’m thinking that if that’s the case I’d totally rather be crazy and want to have sex than the alternative. Yep, I’m off the meds – or well the ones for depression anyway.

3. My job sucks.  My “boss” told me that my evaluation is going to be on Wednesday.  Then he told me to turn in a self review by EOB today (Tuesday). I’m pretty sure that he plans to use my self-review as my evaluation so he doesn’t have to use what little brain he has to think of something to write down.  I am thinking this is probably because he does nothing (i.e. manage me) and has no idea what I do on a daily basis and in actuality probably doesn’t really care. I mean I could be making Anthrax over here and he would have no idea. I’m not though…so don’t be dialing up Homeland Security or anything cause that was totally just a joke.

*sigh* So as usual I have to do everything around here – including my own employee evaluation.  On the bright side I can write a kick ass review of myself and he probably won’t even read it before he turns it in.  I thought maybe under Areas of Achievement I could write : Maintains workload with above standard efficiency as well as handling all of bosses work without the benefits or recognition. Although on the off chance he does bother to read it first I would probably get fired.  Damn…

4. I’m going to marry J. I mean eventually I’m going to marry him.  Yesterday I came home and he had watered the My J at chilisflowers I have by my steps that I let die (which he put in for me), unstopped the shower in the master bathroom (I think I’m going bald), knocked down the wasps nests on my porch (I’m allergic to wasps) AND had installed a new super nice faucet in the kitchen WITH the little sprayer (because I kept complaining about my sprayer being leaky)! Sorry ladies he’s taken.  I mean that’s not the only reason but I won’t bore you with all the mushy love stuff because I could so go on for days…so bottom line he’s my future husband. I mean I hope, it’s kind of up to him.  But if he doesn’t ask in the next year I’m going to take a page from my Mom’s playbook and drop down to one knee with a baseball (I mean cause guys don’t wear engagement rings and he likes baseball).

5. I’m not eating pretzels anymore. That’s it.

End thought: Note to self: PROOF READ – that’s all that needs to be said here.


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I am going to scream. Maybe my skin is easily crawled based on the fact that I haven’t taken my anti-depression meds in a week. Hmm…but I think I’m having homicidal thoughts about my boss. I hate him. He is always telling me one thing and then yelling at me for doing it when he changes his mind and FORGETS to tell me. Never mind that his yelling is overheard by OUR boss who also happens to be C.O.O. (Chief Operating Officer) of the company.  So of course he tries to make me look stupid and of course he fails – because I’m not stupid and I’m totally not afraid to call him out for his lack of leadership skills.

So my review is tomorrow (YIPPEE) that could make or break me and I just made him look like a total douche in front on the C.O.O. But in my defense – he totally asked for it. I mean I am one of like 3 women in this office and I am SICK. TO. DEATH. of being treated like I’m stupid because I don’t have a penis.


Naturally I want to reply by hurling a stapler through the little window that leads into his office and just hoping it hits him in his temple. At least then I would have a few moments of peace before he regains consciousness enough to fire me. Alas,  I would hate to be fired for throwing office supplies – instead I think I would prefer to be fired for something that would be legendary.  Like for instance – ramming my car into his 3 times too small 1999 POS Civic (which he keeps parked under his office window so he can keep and eye on it – right cause someone is going to steal a 99 civic that has been ridden harder than a prostitute in a UK Brothel) repeatedly while flipping him the bird and screaming “I DON’T HAVE A PENIS AND I STILL HAVE A BRAIN”….yes THAT would totally be worth getting fired for.  Sigh – damn the economy for putting me in this corner – Fall 2010 better yield an acceptance letter to CCTech or I will go INSANE.

End thought: “The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.” – Dwight Morrow

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….and I was so ready to finish it on my break and then my “boss” walks in to micromanage me like I have nothing better to do than listen to him ramble. Meanwhile I’m actually working and he is sending me links  to video clips off of TMZ that he thinks are funny over IM…right because that is totally what he is paid to do. WTFE…

Also, I don’t know why this weird woman is twitterstalking me but it’s incredibly annoying. I’m not following her but she is following me obviously and keeps sending me smart a** replies about my “behavior”…for instance in reply to my angry posts she copies my bio and sends it to me. And since she is twitter stalking me she will probably read this so – thank you , I guess, I mean wtf is that about?  I mean not that your input was needed strange lady but if you don’t like seeing what I have to say STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!!

Or in all fairness she could be a bot and auto-posts random shit just to piss me off…either way it’s creepy at best.  STOP FOLLOWING ME BOT!!!

Meanwhile my little sister calls me because she had an argument with my mom about MCDONALDS and the price of a value meal in comparison to individually ordering the items from the $1 menu (seriously?) – I shit you not.

Then my Gma calls me to tell me that a police officer showed up at her house looking for someone in particular…peachy. There isn’t enough xanex in the world to supply the necessary does needed to deal with my family. Dear Britney Spears you totally stole the title to my autobiography [Circus] but I forgive you…cause I’m that type of person…you’re welcome.

End thought: “Family, you can’t live with them and no matter where you run they find you.” – Me

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No, not really…it’s more like I wish I fell off the face of the Earth.  My Peanut is sick, my face is peeling, we’ve been experiencing Amazon rain forest weather for over a week and the Jerk is yet again back on the daddy wagon. So yes, I can only wish I had fallen off the face of the Earth.

Face peel: Although it sounds like I had some nice gentle pampering micro-derm face peel, the reality of my peeling face is much less glamorous. My office took a trip to the beach – which they commonly like to refer to as the annual Booze Cruise. To date it’s been home to many moments that are better suited for the NBC hit show “The Office”. For example two years back my supervisor drank an entire bottle of jager alone and attempted to help out a single dad that worked in the programming department by trying to ‘hook him up’. So he starts drunk dialing all of the “sluts” that he knows and accidentally dials his wife….. Keep in mind he is EXTREMELY wasted and therefore is not exactly speaking in an inside voice – and we’re on a bus. That trip was lovingly deemed the “Slut Tirade” and he is no longer allowed to drink jager…ever.

So you can imagine I wasn’t exactly excited to be a part of this for yet another year, but hey…it’s free booze, free food and a day at the beach when I should be working – what’s the harm right? Well I’ll tell you what the harm is a UV danger rating of 10 for the East Coast and me without a drop of sun block. I got F – R – I – E – D….so fried that I made a crunch sound when I walked like I was stepping on a bag of potato chips. Now I look like a lizard during shedding season…yuck.    Moving on…

The Peanut: So upon return from the office beach bake-a-thon I was just happy to see my Peanut again. It was a typical evening: dinner, bath, playtime and then a quiet lullaby in the rocking chair before a kiss goodnight in the crib….my bed felt so nice because I was SSOOOO tired and ready for a good long nights rest. THEN 4am wake up call, I thought, hm he must have dropped his paci.  So I stumble through the darkness to his room and feel around for a paci, pop it back into his mouth and lean down to deliver a soothing kiss on the forehead and OMG MY LIPS WERE ON FIRE! I was thinking WTF?! I place my hand on his forehead and realize it wasn’t my lips… Instantly I rush into Mommy mode – I scoop him up – strip the pjs – lay him on the changing table and insert that hated rectal thermometer….immediately it jumps to 101.2….101.9….102.4….OMFG….102.9…and beeps at a scalding 103.1. Jesus freaking crimeny my child is on fire!!! He’s lethargic, barely able to cry….but I was doing plenty of that for both of us. I’m a first time mom, my kid has NEVER had a fever that I didn’t catch at 101.5 or below;  I wanted to kick myself and feel like a total failure but I didn’t have time. I strapped on a diaper and quickly began administering a cool washcloth to his head, turned on the ceiling fan, gave him a dose of Tylenol and prayed…thinking how do I get him to the ER by myself? I mean someone has to drive while I monitor him in the back seat!? So I called my grandmother (who lives literally less than 5 minutes from house if that) and tell her what is going on. Well on her arrival we didn’t go to the hospital, his fever let off slightly and I vowed that in 3 hours when that doctor’s office opened I’d be standing on the front step.  I laid next to him in my queen size bed, too afraid to shut my eyes, till dawn.  Boy what a weekend that followed, after a trip to the doctor the next morning, the ER Sunday morning for an uncontrollable fever (even with Tylenol AND Motrin) they up his dosage and by Tuesday we’re back to work and daycare sans the fever (THANK YOU LORD JESUS). Going about my day praising the Lord for healing my son Tuesday evening I pick up my Peanut – only to see him COVERED in a rash…are you kidding me? I mean what is this??? So we call the doc (again) and come to the final diagnosis of Roseola.

For those of you who do not know what Roseola is  it’s 2-3 days of a high fever typically 103 degrees F, decreased appetite and fussiness followed by a rash appearing on the fever decline.  Fun fun….

So to recap – I’m looking like the new spokesperson for leprosy in 2009, my poor little Peanut has an ear infection AND Roseola, the Jerk is trying to play Super Dad again (God help me) and I find out my account is overdrawn this morning. Yes, I can only wish I had the luxury of falling off the face of the Earth.

End thought: *insert clever well thought out quote here* Yeah, you get the point.

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After the partyAfter a week long all but brawl with daycare I feel as if I’ve made my point and I can be at peace. Monday Peanut moved to the toddler room. (Fine, I hate it, but yes babies do have to grow up after all *pouting*) So picture this…it’s MondayUGH -, I hosted a party for nearly 40 people to celebrate my son’s birthday over the weekend AT MY HOUSE (because I’m an idiot-please see picture to the left to see how that turned out),  I haven’t had my coffee yet – needless to say I’m cranky; and that is putting it nicely. I snuggle my precious little man all the way to the end of the hall, walk PAST the baby room with tears in my eyes and deliver him to the toddler room (where the teachers coincidentally look just as cranky as myself).

So I put him down and we’re doing the up down scene that you see in that “Where’s your mother?” commercial. His feet touch the floor he screams – I lift him up he’s fine…so after a little bit of this I finally convince a care giver to take the little munchkin and sit him down for breakfast to allow me to sneak out. Causally I ask when nap time is (with the intentions not to visit during those hours) and I am informed it’s from 11am to 2pm. I’m sorry? I may not be a mathematician but isn’t that 3 hours?? Yeah, like my kid is going to sleep for 3 hours straight..HA I think to myself, ‘good luck with that’ and I’m on my way. As I hit the door it dawns on me, ‘wait a minute, does that mean they have to stay on the mats for 3 hours?’ Surely not….OH but I was wrong! Yes, thank you to DSS for putting that regulation in place..nazi bastards. So yes after a week of crying and basic threats (relax…I just said I would remove him from the daycare), I feel I’ve made headway – but updates will be sure to follow in this matter.

Anywho, now on to the SWINE FLU pandemic!!!! AHHHhhhh! Thanks to a couple of college kids in Newberry SC, I find myself spraying my co-workers with Lysol as they pass my desk. My hope is that this activity will result in not only keeping a germ free environment in my “space” but possibly aid in convincing my superiors that I’m much more manageable in my own office rather than this space against the wall that I was given. See, there’s a silver lining to every dark swine flu cloud 🙂 Newberry is only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from the heartland where I rest my head (No that is not how all South Carolinian’s talk..just me) so my cause for concern is certainly not unfounded. Well not entirely anyway. It’s bad enough my child was introduced to ALL NEW CHILDREN this week, none of which have I met their parents by the way. Not to say I’m one of those moms but come now, don’t you like to know the types of family ideals your child is being exposed to every single day?? Ok perhaps it’s just me. In any case my trusty Lysol and clip on germX will remain in action until this passes.

It rained today. After over a week of sunny mid-80’s weather I opted to throw caution to the wind this casual Friday and adorn my new orange cotton, sleeveless, sun dress and matching orange stilettos – yes I was looking pretty hot if I do say so myself. WAS being the operative word in that sentence. So we are informed (via email) at 10am, while the clouds build up darker and darker outside, that we are having a surprise working lunch meeting! Alright fair enough, I can handle forfeiting my trip to good old Wally World till after work. BUT after further review of said email I discover it’s a cook out in a nearby park? Right, because that’s what we need to do – play ultimate Frisbee as a monsoon hangs in the distance*rolling eyes*. So we carpool to the locale and sure enough about 5 minutes into our working lunch meeting the bottom drops out and I’m left running (and I use that term very loosely beccause I can’t be sure what you would call it in stilettos) back to the vehicles only to find that they were locked and everyone else had taken refuge under a shelter I neglected to notice in the park….peachy. ‘Drowned rat’ doesn’t even BEGIN to describe what I looked like when I arrived back to the office; where I promptly discovered that when wet and subjected to florescent lighting my beautiful orange cotton sundress becomes see-through! YAY!!!

So at this point and time I’m just so glad it’s Friday I can’t help but twitter my afternoon away in hopes that a time-warp will seize my area of the globe and force the clock to 6pm.

Until next time…End thought: “If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.”

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