Archive for the ‘silliness’ Category

This post will be random bits of decisions and thoughts I’ve made/had over the past few days….

1. I’m not flying anymore.  Is it just me or have there been a whole bunch of unexplained plane crashes?  I mean 2 DIFFERENT pilots die in midflight and have to be piloted by a passenger, Air France lost over 600 innocent passengers in its unexplained crash and today I login to my Yahoo to see a headline that reads 5-year-old survives jet crash. Yeah  – I think I’ll drive. OH and if I have to leave the country for a reason I’d rather not mention here then I’ll just take a boat.  Besides, I’m thinking that the FBI would check planes first anyway – it’s the obvious means of escape from the US. Just saying…

Meds Pictures, Images and Photos2. I think my anti-depressants are now unnecessary.  I haven’t take them in close to a week now and haven’t really noticed a difference. So either my Doc was giving me a placebo as some weird clinical trial he didn’t tell me about or they weren’t really making much of a difference other than making me a touch-me-not around my J (it’s a known fact that anti-depressants decrease sex drive).  So I’m thinking that if that’s the case I’d totally rather be crazy and want to have sex than the alternative. Yep, I’m off the meds – or well the ones for depression anyway.

3. My job sucks.  My “boss” told me that my evaluation is going to be on Wednesday.  Then he told me to turn in a self review by EOB today (Tuesday). I’m pretty sure that he plans to use my self-review as my evaluation so he doesn’t have to use what little brain he has to think of something to write down.  I am thinking this is probably because he does nothing (i.e. manage me) and has no idea what I do on a daily basis and in actuality probably doesn’t really care. I mean I could be making Anthrax over here and he would have no idea. I’m not though…so don’t be dialing up Homeland Security or anything cause that was totally just a joke.

*sigh* So as usual I have to do everything around here – including my own employee evaluation.  On the bright side I can write a kick ass review of myself and he probably won’t even read it before he turns it in.  I thought maybe under Areas of Achievement I could write : Maintains workload with above standard efficiency as well as handling all of bosses work without the benefits or recognition. Although on the off chance he does bother to read it first I would probably get fired.  Damn…

4. I’m going to marry J. I mean eventually I’m going to marry him.  Yesterday I came home and he had watered the My J at chilisflowers I have by my steps that I let die (which he put in for me), unstopped the shower in the master bathroom (I think I’m going bald), knocked down the wasps nests on my porch (I’m allergic to wasps) AND had installed a new super nice faucet in the kitchen WITH the little sprayer (because I kept complaining about my sprayer being leaky)! Sorry ladies he’s taken.  I mean that’s not the only reason but I won’t bore you with all the mushy love stuff because I could so go on for days…so bottom line he’s my future husband. I mean I hope, it’s kind of up to him.  But if he doesn’t ask in the next year I’m going to take a page from my Mom’s playbook and drop down to one knee with a baseball (I mean cause guys don’t wear engagement rings and he likes baseball).

5. I’m not eating pretzels anymore. That’s it.

End thought: Note to self: PROOF READ – that’s all that needs to be said here.


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I am going to scream. Maybe my skin is easily crawled based on the fact that I haven’t taken my anti-depression meds in a week. Hmm…but I think I’m having homicidal thoughts about my boss. I hate him. He is always telling me one thing and then yelling at me for doing it when he changes his mind and FORGETS to tell me. Never mind that his yelling is overheard by OUR boss who also happens to be C.O.O. (Chief Operating Officer) of the company.  So of course he tries to make me look stupid and of course he fails – because I’m not stupid and I’m totally not afraid to call him out for his lack of leadership skills.

So my review is tomorrow (YIPPEE) that could make or break me and I just made him look like a total douche in front on the C.O.O. But in my defense – he totally asked for it. I mean I am one of like 3 women in this office and I am SICK. TO. DEATH. of being treated like I’m stupid because I don’t have a penis.


Naturally I want to reply by hurling a stapler through the little window that leads into his office and just hoping it hits him in his temple. At least then I would have a few moments of peace before he regains consciousness enough to fire me. Alas,  I would hate to be fired for throwing office supplies – instead I think I would prefer to be fired for something that would be legendary.  Like for instance – ramming my car into his 3 times too small 1999 POS Civic (which he keeps parked under his office window so he can keep and eye on it – right cause someone is going to steal a 99 civic that has been ridden harder than a prostitute in a UK Brothel) repeatedly while flipping him the bird and screaming “I DON’T HAVE A PENIS AND I STILL HAVE A BRAIN”….yes THAT would totally be worth getting fired for.  Sigh – damn the economy for putting me in this corner – Fall 2010 better yield an acceptance letter to CCTech or I will go INSANE.

End thought: “The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.” – Dwight Morrow

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….and I was so ready to finish it on my break and then my “boss” walks in to micromanage me like I have nothing better to do than listen to him ramble. Meanwhile I’m actually working and he is sending me links  to video clips off of TMZ that he thinks are funny over IM…right because that is totally what he is paid to do. WTFE…

Also, I don’t know why this weird woman is twitterstalking me but it’s incredibly annoying. I’m not following her but she is following me obviously and keeps sending me smart a** replies about my “behavior”…for instance in reply to my angry posts she copies my bio and sends it to me. And since she is twitter stalking me she will probably read this so – thank you , I guess, I mean wtf is that about?  I mean not that your input was needed strange lady but if you don’t like seeing what I have to say STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!!

Or in all fairness she could be a bot and auto-posts random shit just to piss me off…either way it’s creepy at best.  STOP FOLLOWING ME BOT!!!

Meanwhile my little sister calls me because she had an argument with my mom about MCDONALDS and the price of a value meal in comparison to individually ordering the items from the $1 menu (seriously?) – I shit you not.

Then my Gma calls me to tell me that a police officer showed up at her house looking for someone in particular…peachy. There isn’t enough xanex in the world to supply the necessary does needed to deal with my family. Dear Britney Spears you totally stole the title to my autobiography [Circus] but I forgive you…cause I’m that type of person…you’re welcome.

End thought: “Family, you can’t live with them and no matter where you run they find you.” – Me

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pillsAfter 5 days of chaos and emotionally purging my feelings onto any living object…I’m happy to announce that the doc took my threats seriously pity on me and gave me a refill of my meds minus the office visit.  It could have been because I told him that I had been without them for that past few days and that my sister was getting married, that I was a bundle of emotional rage and that I received my monthly gift from mother f-ing nature all at the EXACT SAME TIME—– or he was just too afraid to let me into his office building after I called him at home – by mistake.  Yes, I did… but I blame the Yellow Pages or my lack attention to detail – in either case I’m sure he’s still probably checking all the windows of his home before he goes to sleep at night…whoops.

Deatils:  After having been without my meds for a few days thinking I could skate by on alcohol alone (that is just a joke, I don’t even drink anymore so put down the phone, no need to bring child services into this)….I looked him up.  No, I do not have his number saved into my phone because usually I just have my grandmother set me up an appointment because she is his housekeeper –incredibly small town ok –and has been for like a bagillion years.

ANYWAY – so I look up Dr. Mac in the good old 10 page phone book for C-town and just dial the first number I find under his name…at 6:58 in the morning….assuming I would get the office machine and I could just ball my eyes out to their voice mail and convince them I really need my meds like NOW.

Well I let the phone ring….and ring….AND RING…and on the 17th ring I’m thinking ok…wtf is up with their machine??  Then I hear a grumpy…Hello? – it’s Dr. Mac….Huh, wonder why he’s answering the phone and not his nurses or assistants or office admin or something.

Either way at that point I didn’t care about his lazy staff and I’m just like WHATEVER I NEED PILLS so I start going into this big spill about how I have been going through HELL and back and I haven’t had my meds in DAYS and that I’m desperate to get a refill before my sister gets married and abandons me for life and I’ve had to keep it all inside so I don’t upset my little Peanut who incidentally is probably the ONLY reason I’ve managed to stay sane and I’ve been a total B**** to my bf all week because I’m on my “cycle” and they shouldn’t call it a cycle they should call it LIVING DEATH because that’s what it feels like and then he so rudely interrupts my bleeding heart story to say…

“Well I’ll be happy to call you in a refill if you’ll call the office, Jenny should be able to take care of that when we open..” Silence….

Wait…what did he say?

Then it hits me….Oh – my – freaking – gracious….I called him at home….before 7am…..

So I say… “I’m sorry…I thought this was the office….” really nonchalant like because that is the only thing I COULD say at this point as I prepared myself for the restraining order I’m sure he was about to file against me. …he of course was all polite and as tactful as one can be at 7am after having a crazy patient call you at home for an anti-anxiety medication refill. And I of course called the office number that he gave me once they opened. Again…someone please save me from myself…oh that’s right..I already have someone doing that….and his name is J.me&j

I have to go ahead and say this…I am the luckiest crazy person in the world these days.  NOT only did my bf survive my hysteric mania for a whooping 7 days – through my sisters chaotic wedding, my Jekyll and Hyde persona, AND having to basically be the Peanut’s keeper during the wedding and all…but the man brought me flowers….which was the sweetest thing ever although in hindsight, it was probably as a peace offering to say ‘I love you, please don’t kill me in my sleep’ *smile* .  And not just any kind of flowers but a dozen long stemmed roses….like seriously OMG…I have the greatest bf in the world!!

He also bought me a trash can but that’s a long story that I won’t go into right now, because I’m going to tell you it’s romantic and sweet that he got me the trash can too but you’re going to go “What? She thinks a trash can is romantic? She really is crazy” and then I would have to explain why, but I’m not going to because this post is already too long and I just created the longest run on sentence EVER.  So I digress with this…

End thought: Boyfriends who bring you roses are sweet, but boyfriends who bring you outdoor garbage cans are husband material. I love you J.

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So I made it safely back from the beach…yay….and I come home to a BADASS virus that I assume I picked up from the beach…great.  My first thought (because I’m kinda maybe a little bit of a hypochondriac) is OMG it’s the fricken SWINE FLU!!! Damn Lysol – kills 99.9% of germs my tail!  Yeah so I’m going on and on in complete hysteria sitting in the doctor’s office waiting room – updating my will – and finally they call me back.   Anyway, so there’s this nurse and she’s old, and very obviously not satisfied with the particular profession that she chose and she’s taking my temp, blood pressure, records my weight and all that fun stuff and she’s all like “So you wrote down flu-like symptoms…what makes you think you have the flu?” Seriously? Well lets see my throat is on FIRE, my ears are about to implode from all the pressure, my body aches EVERYWHERE and I mean, places I didn’t even know I had are aching, I’m coughing, I’m sneezing, I’m freezing like an Ethiopian in Antarctica one minute and the next I’m threatening to loose the shirt if someone doesn’t point a fan in my direction ASAP.  Hmm…did I mention that I feel like COMPLETE AND UTTER DOG POO??? YEAH so THAT is why I think I have the flu….Of course I didn’t say that, I just thought it…although it was one of those things that I thought about like an hour later and wished I could go back and say but then it wouldn’t make any sense and I would just look like a complete ass anyway…yeah, one of those times.  Instead I just said “Because I’m feeling flu like symptoms..” accompanied by that DUH look that I pasted all over my face obvious enough for a blind person to see.  And would you believe that woman sucked her teeth at me?!?! *GASP* So I retorted with “I’m sooo writing that on my follow up satisfaction survey.” crossed my arms and waited for the doctor.

I can’t be sure how long I was in that room, although on the survey I put like 30 minutes which in all actuality could have been true, but I wouldn’t know because I fell asleep.  And it was a DEEP SLEEP.  The OMG I just drooled on myself and I really hope the doctor doesn’t notice kind of sleep.  So when the door opened I sat up so quickly that I looked like a jack-in-the-box on crack…and for some reason that remains a mystery to me screeched “HI!” like I’d been doing something wrong. *sigh* Someone save me from myself….

So the doctor proceeds to present not one but TWO GIANT Q-tips…and I’m thinking…those better be for cleaning the sink cause those things are not coming near me.  Well they were not for cleaning the sink and I was way wrong about them not coming near me, no Giant Q-tip #1 was for my throat or should I say the bottom of my esophagus – which wasn’t so bad – however when Giant Q-tip #2 came around I start wondering …where else can a giant Q-tip like that go?? Turns out it’s the nose…if I’m lying I’m dying… they stuck a 7 inch Q-tip into my brain practically and LET IT SIT (yeah).  And I thought child birth was unbearable….I will have 3 kids before I will ever have another flu test.  I think I’d rather die from the flu than EVER do that again.  Also…I can’t be sure but I’m thinking I saw some brain matter on the end of that thing….and I’m really forgetful lately so it must have been the part where you remember stuff that they collected.  ANYWAY –

So I wait patiently for my test results while updating my myspace status to reflect my time of death from the brain dissection and that oh-so-chipper nurse pops back in…”It ain’t the flu” she squawked right before she waddled out of the room to leave space for the doctor to walk in with the diagnoses “ViraPhenyngitus”…. Like what? Yep, basically a really badass virus that he seems to think I picked up on my trip.  So let’s recap….I took off work, paid my $20 co-pay, got talked down to by a nurse twice my age and seemingly post-sex change (at least that is the drift I got from the amount of testosterone she was putting off with all that unnecessary aggression), had my brain and throat violated by giant Q-tips all to find out the very same fricken thing I knew when I walked in the door…that I felt like crap (although to be fair I was not actually dying of the swine flu)..but at least I updated my will…See? Again, there is a silver lining to every dark swine flu cloud.

So I pick up the Peanut from daycare to go home, and cover my mouth with my jacket sleeve (which is fleece and coincidentally acts as a great insultator) because it’s nap time and I want to be quiet as well as not spread my phyen-whatcha-call-it germs and I quietly say a muffled “I have viral phyengitius..” Which apparently sounds like Menengitis ” So we’ll be out for a few days” and I leave.  ALRIGHT, well turns out the director thought I said MENENGITIS which by the way is extremely deadly and contagious so they basically run through a complete biohazard drill in our absence and alert all parents that their children have possibly been exposed to Viral Menengitis…oops.  BUT in my defense… Menegitis is only detectable via a spinal tap…so it’s their own fault for thinking that ANY doctor with common sense who had just given me a spinal tap and diagnosed me with a semi-deadly virus would allow me to PICK UP MY ONE YEAR OLD SON rather than admitting me to the nearest hospital…idiots….anyway.

So two days in bed, Peanut stays with the Grands (my grandparents) and I’m feeling well enough to go back to work.  So we show up bright and early at daycare to be met with looks of SHEER TERROR! The director is FRREEAAKKKIINNGG out nearly pushing us out the door “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!?!” And I’m like omg…I’m not contagious anymore stop freaking out…but really I said “What do you mean? Christopher isn’t sick and I’m over the worst of it?” and she is just standing there all sideways looking with her eyes like 10 seconds from popping out of her head and she’s like “What?!” so I say “It’s not big deal, the doc says I’ll be over it by Friday…I doubt I’m even contagious right now…” and she’s all “Shouldn’t you be in a hospital? I mean Menengitis is deadly?” and I’m like “WHAT? I dont’ have menengitis I have phynengitis.” – which I think is probably like a harmless twice removed cousin of Menengitis….I mean…probably…

Yeah, so we’re now safely back in daycare, Peanut does not have to wear a bubble to daycare thank goodness and all is semi-well in my world again.  Moral of the story…vacations subject you to swine flu….

End thought: Perhaps doctors should consider NOT naming the harmless twice removed cousin virus the same thing as the deadly extrememly contagious spine virus…just a thought.

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Although it may appear I have nothing better to do than blog, that is not the case. I would just prefer to blog than do what else needs to be done, plus something repeat worthy happened so I’m obligated :). Am I a slacker? No, it’s called selectively multitasking…although I’m sure my boss would beg to differ.

Anyway..so my big sister/BFF (oh yes I said BFF) works for the County where we live (what were they thinking- jk she is awesome and works really hard and is a strong and professional person that deserves a BIG HUGE raise..) ok so she is a class that teaches them…well I don’t know what it teaches them but they have to go to these like once a quarter…so she’s there with a fellow co-worker that we will call Diane – because that’s her name duh – and she texts me…
“Do you see the purple elephant?” obviously she has cabin fever..it’s been a while since she had to sit in a classroom for 8 hours.

I reply “Wtf..are you high?” not that I actually thought she was high, but it was kind of one of those things where you’re like Ok, did you stand too close to a paint can or something?

“DO YOU SEE THE PURPLE ELEPHANT??” *sigh*Of course I don’t see the elephant…how can we possibly see him at the same time…I’m an hour away.

“No, no purple elephant here but thanks for asking.” *going about my business*

“I don’t either…he must have run off with the bunny…” Right, because that is the only logical place that the purple elephant could have gone. At this point, it was too late in the day not to play along.

So I reply…“No crazy ass the bunny is right here, that damn elephant must have taken the van and hit the border…tricky bastard” At this point I was pretty pleased with myself, generating that reply in record time. So I sat smugly in my chair waiting for a reply…

No reply…hmm…so I start thinking..wait..was purple elephant code for something else? Was I supposed to have found the purple elephant? Where the hell did the bunny go?

A few minutes later I get… “I just started breathing again 🙂 I thought the teacher was going to kick me and Diane out of class..damn that elephant”

This is how I spend my afternoons with my family – chasing mythical colored creatures via SMS…I truly love my life. 🙂us

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