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Archive for the ‘The Jerk’ Category

Seriously?

The Jerk visited for Father’s day weekend, Saturday while I was bound for Alabama taking home the little Sis, he came. My mom was there with my Peanut – at my house where visitation is supposed to take place – and oversaw the visitation. She said it went well, that he was nice, that he cried when Peanut said “dada”…Whatever was my reply. I don’t have sympathy for him, why should I? Just because he’s realized he’s a jerk and now a year later decides he wants to be a part of the Peanut’s life (for now anyway) I am supposed to cater to his sudden case of conscious??

I don’t think so.

I figured – ok – it’s not the first time he’s done a 180 and it undoubtedly won’t be the last. My walls are standing strong and my new I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude is firmly intact. I’m cold and callous – he can’t get to me. He used to be able to break down my walls only because they were paper thin out of sheer anxiety and fear of retaliation if I didn’t relent; but now I’m not afraid anymore. Now I have love and support from my family and my J.

So as usual, just in time for my new attitude of insensitivity – I get a random text.

“Just wanted you to know I’m in jail.”

It’s the Jerk. I stared at it blankly – if this were any other time I would have balled my eyes out feeling guilty. Oh no, not this time.

“Well it wasn’t me”

I replied – knowing I hadn’t received a letter saying that we had court. It was his other disgruntled baby momma – with which he has 2 children (ages 3 and 6) that he visits on a regular basis – that jailed him this time. This would be the SAME baby momma that called my cell phone as I’m sporting a ring on my left hand and a newly developing fetus courtesy of The Jerk several months into our relationship (aka HELL ON EARTH), to inform me that I’ve been living with her husband and that she is JUST NOW filing for divorce. UM, EXCUSE ME???? Yeah that’s a totally different story though so I’ll delve more into that later.

Moving on….The Jerk replies:

I know, just wanted you to know I was in here.”

Why? As if I am supposed to care? Well I don’t care – I don’t care that he’s in jail, I don’t care if he gets out, I don’t care if gets butt humped by his cellmate in his sleep I. DON’T. CARE.  I can’t care. I just flat out can’t. I don’t have the ability anymore.

Thus I’m writing this as an epiphany because I’ve decided to take the advice of the strong women I’ve on PNN and Twitter and let it go. It’s such an uplifting feeling, I feel freed of chains I’ve carried since I met the Jerk that regretted summer day 2 years ago. So in the midst of my F***-THAT-JERK-I- FEEL-AWESOME high I get this text:

“I still love you.”

* * * * * * * * * * *<—-that is silence – stunned, paralyzed, unrelenting silence. You have got to be kidding me. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?

Honestly, it pissed me off for a second. HOW DARE YOU EVEN TRY THAT SHIT WITH ME YOU SORRY WASTE OF OXYGEN!!! But then I took the advice of my girls and took a deep breath and then I laughed until I cried. I laughed the longest jovial laugh I had within my body and then I laughed some more. I didn’t even bother to reply to the incompetent fool.

I don’t care and I certainly DO NOT love him, hell I don’t even like him and it takes all the effort I have to tolerate him. I never did really love him now that I think about it I mean I THOUGHT I loved the guy he pretended to be. That fabrication that he created without an ounce of remorse. The real him is a complete stranger to me.  Therefore I just don’t care, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I realized today that it’s over – that jackass doesn’t have a hold on me even though I have a son that shares in some of his genetics that doesn’t give him the right to make my life miserable forever and I control how he affects me. I have a great life now;  me, the Peanut, My J and little B – we are happy and no one can touch that. Especially not the Jerk.
End thought: “Through weakness I found friends, but it is through friends that I found strength.” -Me

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There have been so many moments where I’ve flip flopped from one side of this to the other.  Those who read my blog see where I’ve been torn into pieces over what to do about The Jerk.  One minute I’d give my every breath to have a father for my son, not just any father, but his real father; to give him that father-son bond that cannot be duplicated because he deserves that – all children deserve to have a their mother and father.  Only it wouldn’t be his real father I would want, I would want the person that he pretended to be, in my son’s life. I would want the pretend him, the one who loved his children more than the moon and the sky, the man who doted on them and couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, the fabrication The Jerk so easy created until one day it disappeared into a disgusting and worthless pile of anger and abuse.  It is because of that day that there are times that I actually pray that God will make him leave for good; no more of this back and forth.  Just go away and let my Peanut live in peace.  I don’t know which is worse him being around or him leaving for good?

Ms. Cookie (Peanut’s teacher) handed me a little piece of construction paper today…on it a sail boat with Peanut’s hand print as the sail.  It read “I’d sail the seven seas for you Daddy. I love you! Happy Fathers Day” all I could was smile and utter a choked Thank you with tears in my eyes.  I thought to myself:

if only he would do the same for you son…..

She looked at me as if she knew, with eyes that said I’m sorry.  I kissed my Peanut and said goodbye, I waited till I reached my car to cry.  It was a quiet cry not the violent kind.  The kind of cry where you’ve given this moment all the energy that you can muster long before now and this is just a repeat of times past. The kind of cry where there are no sobs, no tightened muscles – no it was the kind of cry where every ounce of energy left me as I sat defeated in my car tears streaming down my face and off my chin saturating my shirt.   I’ve been here before, crying all alone not knowing what to wish now just hoping God will lead me in what is right for my son. God please, I prayed I don’t know what to do…just please help me be the best for him. I feel like my hands are tied….

Suddenly my phone rings….it’s The Jerk. I stared at my phone blankly…what could I do? If I ignore it he’ll just call back over and over again till I answer.  So I answer…he’s coming to visitation he says.  I’m emotionless. I wanted to scream in the phone I hate you for what you’ve done to my life, to my son’s life! instead I just said “Ok” and hung up the phone.  I wanted to be angry, to say he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve my Peanut’s love.  Then at the same time – I thought maybe I should be happy that he actually wants to see my son – his son technically.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

It’s bittersweet….

One one hand my son deserves to have his father – but on the other his father is worthless and can’t be the father he deserves.  He’ll come to visitation and play for a while, he’ll leave and probably not see him for another 6 months.  Will my Peanut know the difference?  In the back of mind I’ll be wishing he would leave, that he would say he’s moving to California or Australia and never coming back.  But that’s my selfishness speaking, or is it?  Could it just be that I feel the pain for my son, that I sympathize with the hurt and confusion that will come when he realizes his father is only around out of convenience? 

There is no right answer for this moment.  I know there won’t be some divine intervention where God gives me the answer that will solve everything, no only time can fix this.  I’ll just have to smile through the bittersweet moment and wish that I had given my son a better father, a father who would love and care for him, a father who would never hurt or abandon him.  I’ll own that moment, because it is mine.  I’ll take responsibility for the tears because it’s my fault that they fall; because I chose to be with him,  I chose to stay in the chaos,  I chose to live with the abuse.

It’s oh so bittersweet, because although I want to hate him and wish we’d never met, I thank God that I endured the things I did, because it brought me my son.  No matter what happens I will always be grateful to God for that.

End thought: “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”  ~Sophia Loren, 

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Father’s Day

I’m crying today, because of him – again – him being The Jerk. Only it’s not because he’s hurt me, no he hasn’t hurt me this time … instead he resorts to hurting my son.

Father’s day is coming up, the worst day of the year for me since my son has been born.  I dread it, the day I’m supposed to celebrate The Jerk being a father..which he hasn’t been since the get go.  How do I celebrate someone who has seen his child twice since birth…I hate him.  I’m so angry that I can’t help but cry…which makes me even angrier because I’m crying over him again and it makes me sick that he has the ability to put hurt into our lives long after he has gone.   Why is it that he is granted that right? Why should he be allowed to do this over and over?

What’s worse is I know that The Peanut’s daycare will probably create a father’s day gift to send home.  It’s not their fault; they don’t know he doesn’t have a Daddy.  They’ll probably paint his little hands and feet, tickling his tiny toes with the paint brush while he throws his head back and giggles.  He’ll reach down and grab his toes and smile with those bright blue eyes shining just like the jack***es that I refer to as his so-called father.
They’ll put those beautiful little hand and foot prints on a paper – probably with a poem celebrating fatherhood, and all I will be able to do is smile when I pick him up and muster a thank you.  But really, I’ll cry because it will never go to him.  No instead I’ll stick it in a shoe box in the back of my closet along with all the pictures and any remaining memories of The Jerk – until the day that he can prove he can be a real father if the day ever comes.  Not the person who stops by once a year the day before mother’s day just to make his lock lizard fiance mad by visiting his 1 year old genetically bound spawn.  

My poor baby.

I lock those things up in that closet because The Jerk doesn’t deserve for my son to know who he is, to have his photo around the house as a constant reminder of the father that he isn’t – just to haunt my son in spirit. It’s not fair and I won’t do it.

Amazing how a text can remind you of how much and why you hate someone. The Jerk texts me to ask if I’ve received my child support.

Yes I did.

Taking the opportunity, I ask if he plans to attend visitation for Father’s Day (knowing that the answer is probably no which is fine with me. He doesn’t deserve to be celebrated anyway).  Instead of coming up with an answer I would expect, as usual he replies with complete ignorance and obliviousness that astounds even me – the person with the least amount of faith in him:

“When is it?”

…..my first thought was are you freaking kidding me? He doesn’t even know when Father’s Day is???….that’s what kind of father he is.  Something that small sent me into a rage…it was like he had abandoned my son all over again.  I wanted to scream…to tell him how lousy and worthless he was as a father.  How I wanted more than anything for him to fall off the face of the earth and never be seen again.  How miserable of a human being I thought he was to just walk away from the creation of life that was my son – leaving a void I could never properly fill inside him no matter what I gave.  Knowing that I would give my arms, my legs, my breath, my heart, my entire life just to give my son the life he deserves. A  life that would never need a father…the life I know I can’t give and it kills me.

But instead I cried…I cried because it was my fault that he would never have that. That I chose a man that could never love anything but himself….and I’ve never felt more remorse in my life. It’s my fault….how do you tell your child that without them hating you too?

So I replied telling him to forget it, that the Peanut wouldn’t notice whether he was there or not anyway. I wanted to tell him that my J would be there, and he would play with the Peanut and love him just as if he were his Dad and the Peanut would never know the difference. But I didn’t because I couldn’t, I couldn’t be that girl even though I wanted to.  And what does he say in all my despair?….
”Well I didn’t know, I don’t keep up with it.”  I don’t keep up with it ? That’s the best you’ve got you rotten son of a *****!!!!

It just deepened my rage. My face was on fire, hot tears stinging my eyes. I hate him I said over and over in my head till it was the only thought on my brain I hate him.

So father’s day will come and go, with my son none the wiser.  He won’t know his father isn’t there, and in all reality he won’t care.   He won’t care because he doesn’t know him, because he won’t know him. Until the day comes that the world informs him that he’s missing a parent he’ll never know. Then and only then will I step in to explain….and I can only hope that God will give me the words. Right now, the only words I have stem from hate and the Peanut deserves much more than that from me.  I have to let my anger fade with time and be the bigger person, for my Peanut.  Because he deserves that, because he deserves better and it’s up to me to see to it that he gets that.

End thought: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Colossians 3:21

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So just in time for me to write him off completely and post my Deadbeat Dad blog, The Jerk is back on the Daddy wagon.  You know the saying “He fell off the wagon again..”, well in my case The Jerk stays off the wagon or should I say has stayed off the wagon for at least the last 9 months.  But just in time for Mother’s Day weekend he’s back on in full force ready to be #1 Daddy again.  Keep in mind my son – that’s right MY son – hasn’t seen his “father” in 9 months. The last time he did see him all of those winter months ago it was in August 2008, at a truck stop, for 4 minutes, when he was 3 months old.  The time before that it was the day before he walked out and abandoned my child. Do you think Peanut remembers him? I’m thinking-  not so much.

UGH! Technically his supervised visitation is Saturdays from 10am to 1pm..yep you heard right every Saturday because the judge is a jackass totally fair to all parties involved 🙂 Anyway, so to date I haven’t heard a word from him about visitation, no call, no show, no problem.  Like I said before I got this…Peanut’s first birthday came and went without a hitch…kind of..but just in time for Mother’s Day he pops up with a phone call from a number I don’t even recognize ready to see “his boy”.  Excuse me? Would this be the same boy that you walked out on and never looked back to!?! *deep breath* So he gets visitation and acts like Super Dad the whole time..whatever.

Look I’m not saying that father’s shouldn’t be praised for attempting to have a place in their child’s life, but if you knew him like I know him you would realize that it’s just a ploy.  His truck stop hooker and her two kids are no longer appealing to him (hm, sounds familiar..I’m sensing a pattern love ’em – beat ’em and leave ’em) so he’s trying to make her mad by visiting my son.  Is there a lower form of human being on this earth?? I think not.  Imagine..using my child as a pawn in his stupid game…I’m flippin LIVID.  Now he thinks he can violate the court protection order any time he feels like it to call and check on Peanut.  Thank you court system for screwing me over putting me in this position.

I guess the reason I’m really upset about this, is my Peanut.  How do I explain it when his father up and decides to walk again.  When he finds something ‘better and more interesting’ than being a Daddy, just like he did last time.  He left my son for life on the road driving trucks and a dime store lock lizard (Def: truck stop prostitute), and now that that has lost it’s luster – as if there were really any there to begin with – he wants to be a Daddy again.  How do I explain that to a my little boy?  How do I give a decent reason that his “father” thinks he has better things to do than be his Dad?  What will I do when that day comes?  Here I was thinking Deadbeat Dads were the lowest of the low..only to be corrected by The Jerk who jumped back on the daddy wagon.  Today I’m like I’d rather him be a Deadbeat Dad that’s gone rather than a halfway Dad who shows up whenever it’s convenient…

Well that’s it, it’s not inspirational or interesting in any way.  But I’ve got a megaphone and I needed to vent so that’s what I did.

End thought: “Those who fall off the Daddy wagon should fall under the wheel of it”…ok that was mean..but I’m really mad so I’m leaving it.

Should Deadbeat Dads be given a second chance after an extended period of time with no contact?(blog polls)

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I probably shouldn’t, in fact I know I shouldn’t…it’s too controversial and it’s a tough subject all around….but like that has ever stopped me before..yep I’m going to anyway. I have to get this off my heart….

What is a Deadbeat Dad?

According to Wikipedia a Deadbeat Dad (or parent I should say) is defined as ‘an unrestricted parent treated equally who voluntarily chooses not to be a regular or supportive parent in his or her child or children’s life or lives.’ That definition in itself makes it easy enough to want to point a finger…I’m sure right now you’re thinking of the deadbeat parents that you know. I know because I do it every single time I hear the term. My mind shoots straight to every man I’ve ever known that has left their children/child emotionally, financially and physically; particularly Peanut’s “father”. A lot of these Deadbeat Dads have adopted nicknames like “sperm doner” and “walkaway Joe”, not to mention many colorful curse words that I’d rather not mention here. In my particular case he is simply known as “The Jerk”. The term “Deadbeat Dad” itself, however, is believed to have originated from the Child Support Agencies (not kidding look it up) . This term was used to label those who neglected to pay their child support for whatever reason and as a result became in arrears. But to me, a deadbeat dad goes way beyond missing child support payments.

Right when Peanut’s father left I said to myself, he doesn’t need him. All he needs is me – I can be both parents for him – he is better off without him – all the things that I needed to hear to justify the tragedy that had just taken place, that my son’s father had abandoned him and one day it would be up to me to explain why. All the while in the back of my mind I thought…what in the world do I do now? As a parent you want to shower your child with love, patience, knowledge, happiness and encouragement. I want to laugh with him when he’s laughing, hold him when he cries, stand beside him clapping when he accomplishes something spectacular but also be there to encourage him when he makes mistakes.. I want to do all of the things that make a parent – a parent. So here I sat wondering…what do I possess that The Jerk is missing? What component in his brain or heart does he lack to where he could just leave his child? Is it really possible that he just doesn’t care? The idea is shocking, appalling, disgusting..but so very true for a growing population of “fathers” in the US. In fact according to the U.S. Consensus Bureau in 2007 22.6% of US children were living in a Single Mother household. (KEEP IN MIND I did not say that all of them had a Deadbeat Dad – honestly I couldn’t find statistics for that with the U.S. Consensus Bureau, but I’m still looking). Almost a quarter of all children in the US are missing a father in the home – now that’s just sad.

So what is it?
What are these men lacking that makes it OK for them to just create children and walk away? Is it just pure selfishness? Just an unrelenting desire to put themselves first even before their own flesh and blood? And why is that the feeling or missing component is generalized in the only the male parent in most cases? In my case this question was easily answered, yes, it was selfishness. He didn’t want to ‘waste‘ the time or money it took to care for a child. As for me, it was never a choice. I gave birth to my child, I gave him life; from that moment it was never a question of if I was going to care for him, it was only how? Yet for so many women, so many children that answer isn’t as easily answered. Perhaps it’s fear, the responsibility of caring for a child in all aspects is at times overwhelming. Not only is it a dominating factor in terms of time and energy but a major sacrifice when it comes to sleep, finances, and all around social life. The first thing you realize when becoming a parent is that this tiny little person has to come first, no matter what. Parenthood is a tremendous sacrifice. Whatever the reason for these Deadbeat Dads and Walk Away Joes is…what it comes down to is not the child support going unpaid, it’s not the boasting rights of who won the custody battle or whose fault it was that the marriage or relationship ended. It all comes down to the fact that the children left in the wake of this stress and turmoil are being damaged, in some cases beyond repair.

I’d like to say my son is better off without his father, but to say that is a contradiction in itself. In all reality, his father – his real biological father – really is a selfish, manipulative, spiteful abusive man that would only corrupt my sons life with his meanness and hatred. But that connection, that father son moment is something I can never replaced. Perhaps someday I’ll get married and that man will love Peanut and provide for him emotionally, financially and physically in all the ways that my son needs from a male role model. But..because of The Jerk and the things that he has done, my son will never be able to stand up at the front of his class and say “This is my Daddy, when I grow up I want to be just like him.” and I can never forgive him for that.

End thought: Thoughts from a Single Mother, “I know that while Daddy is a word he will inevitably learn someday..I know that it’s now up to me to define it.” -Anonymous

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I started this blog as a research project at work. First I wanted to investigate how to create a blog and secondly discover if it was worth investing the time of valued employees to blog about the company. Then after long days of scanning the ban on the net, filtering through pertinent and useless information, I realized hey, why not blog about something I know?! (yes I know, what an epiphany).

Just me

At the risk of throwing a ME party, I’ll divulge a bit about myself. I’m a 23 year old single mother of a toddler. Hence the title I consider myself more a Mother Single, because I’m always a mother first. Keep in mind when I say single mother, I mean that I parent alone, not that I’m actually single. Quite the contrary actually I have a wonderful bf whom I love with a good bit of my heart, the rest of which is taken up by my Peanut. As for his father (aka The Jerk), I came home from work one evening with my 2 month old son to find our newly purchased home clear of any and everything that belonged to him – not that I particularly cared because he was – well – a very not nice person to me.  He left behind a note that simply read ‘I’m sorry‘ and my child; who would forever be branded as his namesake.  A few weeks later I received a phone call telling me that he was engaged and living in Missouri, to which I responded with a dial tone. Since then he hasn’t had much interaction with my Peanut and is living somewhere in SC with his new wife and kids. Soooo it’s just me and my little guy, aka Peanut. He is my morning pick me up, my afternoon smile and my evening reminder for why God put me on this Earth. I work of course, because I haven’t discovered the correct number combination to the SC lottery just yet, therefore he regrettably goes to daycare. I won’t go into my anti-daycare tirade just yet, we’ll save that for another post. 🙂 I love to write poetry, short stories and I’m working on a book. I love my family and I live and interact closely with them. I’m a daddy’s girl and a tomboy all in one neatly t-shirted package. Well now I think that’s enough about me.

Now to dictate what this blog is about, or will be about. I’ll write about anything from my take on
current events to things I’ve learned being a single Mommy in the workforce. I’m also an avid supporter of many causes, some that have affected my life directly such as Breast Cancer Awareness and some that I just feel are notable causes like the Save Darfur movement. In any case, it’s sure to be a learning curve. Yes, I’m a newbie, I’ll proudly sport my dunce cap until I’ve been at it for at least a year. Do I expect to get anything out of this? No. My objective here is to try and reach others like me, to share thoughts, advice and maybe even a few laughs. I love to write! I may not be good at it and I’ll surely never get a Pulitzer; but everyday I can smile and say I’m doing something that I love and that is what is important.

End thought for the day “If you are always looking back at the past, you may very well stumble over what could have been your future.”

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