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Archive for the ‘Vacation’ Category

So I made it safely back from the beach…yay….and I come home to a BADASS virus that I assume I picked up from the beach…great.  My first thought (because I’m kinda maybe a little bit of a hypochondriac) is OMG it’s the fricken SWINE FLU!!! Damn Lysol – kills 99.9% of germs my tail!  Yeah so I’m going on and on in complete hysteria sitting in the doctor’s office waiting room – updating my will – and finally they call me back.   Anyway, so there’s this nurse and she’s old, and very obviously not satisfied with the particular profession that she chose and she’s taking my temp, blood pressure, records my weight and all that fun stuff and she’s all like “So you wrote down flu-like symptoms…what makes you think you have the flu?” Seriously? Well lets see my throat is on FIRE, my ears are about to implode from all the pressure, my body aches EVERYWHERE and I mean, places I didn’t even know I had are aching, I’m coughing, I’m sneezing, I’m freezing like an Ethiopian in Antarctica one minute and the next I’m threatening to loose the shirt if someone doesn’t point a fan in my direction ASAP.  Hmm…did I mention that I feel like COMPLETE AND UTTER DOG POO??? YEAH so THAT is why I think I have the flu….Of course I didn’t say that, I just thought it…although it was one of those things that I thought about like an hour later and wished I could go back and say but then it wouldn’t make any sense and I would just look like a complete ass anyway…yeah, one of those times.  Instead I just said “Because I’m feeling flu like symptoms..” accompanied by that DUH look that I pasted all over my face obvious enough for a blind person to see.  And would you believe that woman sucked her teeth at me?!?! *GASP* So I retorted with “I’m sooo writing that on my follow up satisfaction survey.” crossed my arms and waited for the doctor.

I can’t be sure how long I was in that room, although on the survey I put like 30 minutes which in all actuality could have been true, but I wouldn’t know because I fell asleep.  And it was a DEEP SLEEP.  The OMG I just drooled on myself and I really hope the doctor doesn’t notice kind of sleep.  So when the door opened I sat up so quickly that I looked like a jack-in-the-box on crack…and for some reason that remains a mystery to me screeched “HI!” like I’d been doing something wrong. *sigh* Someone save me from myself….

So the doctor proceeds to present not one but TWO GIANT Q-tips…and I’m thinking…those better be for cleaning the sink cause those things are not coming near me.  Well they were not for cleaning the sink and I was way wrong about them not coming near me, no Giant Q-tip #1 was for my throat or should I say the bottom of my esophagus – which wasn’t so bad – however when Giant Q-tip #2 came around I start wondering …where else can a giant Q-tip like that go?? Turns out it’s the nose…if I’m lying I’m dying… they stuck a 7 inch Q-tip into my brain practically and LET IT SIT (yeah).  And I thought child birth was unbearable….I will have 3 kids before I will ever have another flu test.  I think I’d rather die from the flu than EVER do that again.  Also…I can’t be sure but I’m thinking I saw some brain matter on the end of that thing….and I’m really forgetful lately so it must have been the part where you remember stuff that they collected.  ANYWAY –

So I wait patiently for my test results while updating my myspace status to reflect my time of death from the brain dissection and that oh-so-chipper nurse pops back in…”It ain’t the flu” she squawked right before she waddled out of the room to leave space for the doctor to walk in with the diagnoses “ViraPhenyngitus”…. Like what? Yep, basically a really badass virus that he seems to think I picked up on my trip.  So let’s recap….I took off work, paid my $20 co-pay, got talked down to by a nurse twice my age and seemingly post-sex change (at least that is the drift I got from the amount of testosterone she was putting off with all that unnecessary aggression), had my brain and throat violated by giant Q-tips all to find out the very same fricken thing I knew when I walked in the door…that I felt like crap (although to be fair I was not actually dying of the swine flu)..but at least I updated my will…See? Again, there is a silver lining to every dark swine flu cloud.

So I pick up the Peanut from daycare to go home, and cover my mouth with my jacket sleeve (which is fleece and coincidentally acts as a great insultator) because it’s nap time and I want to be quiet as well as not spread my phyen-whatcha-call-it germs and I quietly say a muffled “I have viral phyengitius..” Which apparently sounds like Menengitis ” So we’ll be out for a few days” and I leave.  ALRIGHT, well turns out the director thought I said MENENGITIS which by the way is extremely deadly and contagious so they basically run through a complete biohazard drill in our absence and alert all parents that their children have possibly been exposed to Viral Menengitis…oops.  BUT in my defense… Menegitis is only detectable via a spinal tap…so it’s their own fault for thinking that ANY doctor with common sense who had just given me a spinal tap and diagnosed me with a semi-deadly virus would allow me to PICK UP MY ONE YEAR OLD SON rather than admitting me to the nearest hospital…idiots….anyway.

So two days in bed, Peanut stays with the Grands (my grandparents) and I’m feeling well enough to go back to work.  So we show up bright and early at daycare to be met with looks of SHEER TERROR! The director is FRREEAAKKKIINNGG out nearly pushing us out the door “WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!?!” And I’m like omg…I’m not contagious anymore stop freaking out…but really I said “What do you mean? Christopher isn’t sick and I’m over the worst of it?” and she is just standing there all sideways looking with her eyes like 10 seconds from popping out of her head and she’s like “What?!” so I say “It’s not big deal, the doc says I’ll be over it by Friday…I doubt I’m even contagious right now…” and she’s all “Shouldn’t you be in a hospital? I mean Menengitis is deadly?” and I’m like “WHAT? I dont’ have menengitis I have phynengitis.” – which I think is probably like a harmless twice removed cousin of Menengitis….I mean…probably…

Yeah, so we’re now safely back in daycare, Peanut does not have to wear a bubble to daycare thank goodness and all is semi-well in my world again.  Moral of the story…vacations subject you to swine flu….

End thought: Perhaps doctors should consider NOT naming the harmless twice removed cousin virus the same thing as the deadly extrememly contagious spine virus…just a thought.

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